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10/26/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Riding Shotgun With Adventure Still Life With Joan Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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The Daily Probe officially endorses Mr. T ! |
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 Bush Campaign Struggles to Come Up With Down Payment on Second Term Privately, Kerry Blames YOU for a Lot of Shit, Too Bill O'Reilly to Moderate Heidi Fleiss/Amy Fisher Debate Clinton Digging Spongebaths Kerry's Chin Traded for Reese Witherspoon's Chin Plus a Chin to Be Named Later Rumsfeld: I've Got Your Rebuttal Right Here, Punk New Hamas Chief Refuses to Buy Green Bananas Mary Cheney Denies Being a Lesbian in the Way That Kerry Means It Previous Restroom User Blamed Airport Security Detonates Abandoned Puppies  Howard Stern Makes Jump to CB Radio  An Open Letter to President Bush and Senator Kerry How to Get Your Ass Kicked by Legendary Comic Actor John Cleese Max Just Ain't Much of a Biker Since the Accident  Fellated Ohio Voters Now Getting Teabagged, Rimmed AKRON, Ohio (DPI) - With only two weeks to go until November 2nd, election-deciding Ohio voters are demanding upgrades in the oral sex they've been receiving from the Bush and Kerry campaigns. "I've gotta hand it to Senator Kerry," said 38 year-old Bob Smales. His volunteers have been giving me some serious knob-gobbling over the past several months, but now, they're even sucking on my sack as well. Nice." Unemployed factory worker Joey Stevens concurred. "A Bush volunteer told me to vote for the President. I told him, 'Yeah, well I want *you* to toss my salad, bee-yotch.'" According to Stevens, the volunteer then asked whether he preferred maple syrup or strawberry jam. (Reported by Gus Harris) Hacker Exercises His Right to Vote By Hacking Into Voting System BOCA RATON (DPI) - Fifteen-year-old voter James has just voted for the first time -- and he's about to do it again. And again. Unlike the majority of today's youth, James "Crackerjack" Kane is a civic-minded computer hacker who's maneuvered his way into the democratic process through the city's electronic voting system. "I just want to do my part as a United States citizen and show the rest of the country that the youth of today aren't apathetic," Kain says. "I care deeply about the issues and I want to be involved in the election process even if I'm not old enough to do that yet." This year, Kane has already voted for President George W. Bush (twice), challenger John Kerry (three times) and Ralph Nader (once) -- although he admits to later removing the Nader vote and switching it to a vote for The Matrix actress Carrie-Anne Moss." (Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz and Danny Gallagher) America Wonders What Kind of Lesbian Mary Cheney Is WASHINGTON (DPI) - In the wake of the controversy over Senator John Kerry referring to Dick Cheney's daughter Mary as a "lesbian," people across the country are wondering just exactly what sort of lesbian she is. "If she's one of those really butch ones with the short, dykey haircut who plays softball and wears Birkenstocks, well then, Kerry really crossed the line," said Mark Winters of Gary, Indiana. Winters continued saying, "But if she's like the lesbians I find on the web with long blond hair and massive tits who are really into three-ways, that would be awesome. If that was the deal, then I'd vote for Kerry." (Reported by Gus Harris) |
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| Truth Stretched | ||
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| Smashed Pumpkin Traced to Smashed Partygoer | ||
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