CURRENT ISSUE 10/26/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Riding Shotgun With Adventure Still Life With Joan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	McQuigly and Moss     Beam Up Bush to the White House By Dirk McQuigly With less than a week to go before this ridiculous election ends and the country can move on to more important matters like coming together to get NBC to release Amazing Stories on DVD, this country will have to choose their leader. It's an important decision and one I don't take lightly, which is why I always make my decision by comparing the various candidates with this country's greatest leader: Captain James T. Kirk. Of course, anyone with a working set of antennae can tell that President George W. Bush is certainly the most Kirk-like of the bunch and therefore deserves to the lead our federation into the future. Captain Bush has been very resourceful during his term, like Kirk in ST episode 36, when he defeated the lizard alien by making a gun out of bamboo shoots, calcium phosphate and coal. Similarly, Bush found a way to expand tax cuts for middle- and upper-class Americans by finding excessive programs to cut and opened our federally protected wetlands and national parks to drill for resources -- one of which is coal. Coincidence? Like Kirk, Bush is a slow, methodical public speaker who doesn't rant and rave with no thought to what's flying out his mouth. Kirk always speaks in the same manner when he's giving orders -- sometimes leaving huge pauses between words to make sure his crew understands him. Bush has done this during his press conferences (all three of them). Bush knows how to make quick decisions in times in great distress. People like to jump on him for the My Pet Goat incident since Michael Moore the Hutt harped on it in Fahrenheit 9/11, but it takes a calm and cool head to react to a horrific situation in that manner. When the Enterprise was infested with Tribbles, did Kirk order his crew to run around the ship and shoot every strange hairy thing in sight? Of course not, since they also might have tried to shoot his hairpiece. These are a few of the man reasons Bush should be the next man to lead us into the future. After all, it's the final frontier. Transport Kerry to the White House By Anna Moss It's rather obvious that James T. Kirk, had he lived in our era, would be the best president ever. I feel that John Kerry has many of those same qualities. Here are but a few examples: * Kirk had great diplomacy skills, as shown when he was fighting the lizard-like captain on planet Zeron II. The associated crew of the losing side was threatened with destruction and Kirk the creature beaten -- but instead of killing him, he chose to let him leave. In other words, he chose peace. Just like John Kerry would do. * Kirk also had great fighting skills, but used them only when forced to -- also like Kerry. Kerry fought bravely in Vietnam (unless you're listening to the the fictional report of the Swift Boat Vets -- as if THEY fought) because he believed it was right at the time. * Kerry showed remorse later after seeing the atrocities his troops committed. That's the compassion that was one of Kirk's greatest qualities. * Kirk, like Kerry, didn't bow to political pressure. Kirk defied Star Fleet many times because he had the courage of his convictions. * Kerry is very cunning, as is Kirk. In episode 56, Kirk was able to hide the Enterprise on the opposite side of the planet to fool the Klingons. Kerry also will be able to think on his feet and devise a plan to get us out of Iraq. * One of Kirk's greatest qualities is that he builds alliances with other species. Kerry will do the same. * Kerry, like Kirk, uses violence as a last resort. * Kirk never lies, and I sincerely hope Kerry is the same. That is why I endorse Kerry. (Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)
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