CURRENT ISSUE 10/26/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Riding Shotgun With Adventure Still Life With Joan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Election Eve, 2004 Since Kerry hasn't paid me back for fronting him funds for kiteboarding gear this summer on Tick Island, which left me no choice but to go with my hat in hand to the Bush campaign to beg them to reimburse me on the grounds that the press pictures of the elderly Franken-candidate in lycra were more damaging than any twenty Swift boat veterans, and I was again denied, I will consider abstaining from exercising my inalienable and ancient right to decide between the two major parties this election cycle. I will do the asinine thing, as is my wont, and write in Curt Schilling. Not a bad choice, when I think of it, with David Ortiz for the undercard. There doesn't seem to be anything else to do. I must learn to think outside the chad. But I can hear The Gaudy Youth of Today shouting to me over the barricades to consider the third party candidate. Their tofu-hardened throats bellow, their greasy locks shake in youthful agitation, their belly-button rings clink in a kind of sick despair, and yet I fear I must deny my ardent young friends for one simple reason: Ralph Nader seems to subsist solely upon boogers.
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