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10/26/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Riding Shotgun With Adventure Still Life With Joan Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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The Daily Probe Officially Endorses for the Office of President of the United States of America... Mr. T As far as we're concerned here at the Daily Probe, none of the mainstream candidates for the job of president have the tools to get the job done. Let's face it, folks; we're up to our collective asses in Iraqi casualties (or, in the case of Prince and Tom Cruise, up to their necks). As charming as some believe him to be, George W. Bush just isn't the leader that we need him to be. You can't have unilateral talks with North Korea when the Commander-in-Chief can't pronounce the word "unilateral." John Kerry's no better. Sure, American children will have plenty of ketchup for their school lunches, but they might not have a lunch to put it on. As for Ralph Nader... you can't be serious, right? No, we here at the Probe have decided to endorse the only candidate who makes sense. Folks, this year, vote for the only man who can get Middle Eastern leaders to stop that jibba jabba. The only man who will pity fools like Osama bin Laden, and all while squishing him like a bug. And the only man who won't spend millions of dollars flying everywhere in Air Force One... that is, not unless they sedate him first. 
The most serious threat facing the nation is the absense of fool-pitying, and this country needs a candidate who can meet that challenge head-on. Since both Bush and Kerry have shown an extreme reluctance to pity fools, the Daily Probe can not, in good conscience, endorse either of them. His compassion (fool-pityin'), commitment to education ("Stay in school, kids!") and background as a TV military operative are just what the country needs in these times of strife at home and abroad. Besides, his momma makes some damned fine frozen pierogi! At a recent campaign stop, the big fella demonstrated the fiery personality that earned our admiration, as he came out swinging against record-high pity prices. "Supply and demand, fool!" barked the muscled and mohawked candidate, responding to one reporter. "What we got here is more fools and less pity than any other time in America's history!" Mr. T then laid out his vision for pity reform, which called for dramatically increasing the amount of pity available to average Americans while at the same time implementing sweeping fool cuts. The candidate seemed less than amused when one correspondent asked if America's foreign policy record would stand in the way of generating cheap, plentiful pity in other countries, which could then be directed at our nation's fools. "Whatcu talkin about, fool? Do you want our children gettin' some cheap India pity? No! We make the fools -- we'll make the pity." Inevitably, attention soon turned to his questionable military record as one reporter tentatively asked for clarification regarding his former comrades and the "crime they didn't commit." In trademark fashion, Mr. T responded by grabbing the podium, swinging it over his head and growling before hurling it into the press corps in the general direction of the question. "Shut up, fool!" Abruptly signaling the end of the press conference, Mr. T was deftly knocked out by his tranquilizer-gun-wielding Secret Service detail. The groggy candidate was then spirited back to his campaign plane for his scheduled flight to a Des Moines fundraiser. The Daily Probe wholeheartedly endorses Mr. T and his fiery brand of patriotism. (Reported by the Daily Probe staff) |
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