CURRENT ISSUE 10/26/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Riding Shotgun With Adventure Still Life With Joan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	How to Get Your Ass Kicked by Legendary Comic Actor John Cleese A guest Probeatorial by Brad Ellison, 24 First, find out where John Cleese lives. I first thought it was in London or somewhere in England, but then I saw an article on the Internet that says he has a home in Santa Barbara, California. You're in luck! If you're like me, and live in Scottsdale, Arizona, it's only a few hours by car. Then, once you get to Santa Barbara, look up "Cleese" in the phone book. You won't find it there -- I looked. So then you have to go to the Empire Internet Cafe or something on that one big street in Santa Barbara, order a chocolate milk and Google "Map stars John Cleese." There you'll find some guy has listed a whole bunch of stars' homes in Southern California. Next, and this is important, don't just show up. Stay up all night driving around the area, and wait until 5:52am. Then, jump out of your car, hop the fence and sneak past where the yellow and pink rose bushes are all in a circle. This is the best place to take off your clothes. I know, trust me. Now run out shouting and knock over the marble statue by the pool. Make sure the arm breaks off the statue like it did for me. Keep yelling, and jump up and down on the lanai by the pool. Here's where it gets cool. JOHN CLEESE himself, distinguished comic actor and director and the star of innumerable TV and big screen features, will come out of the house in a bathrobe and hit you on the back of the neck with one of those big heavy black flashlights! You know, the kind like police have on your belts? I never would have guessed JOHN CLEESE would carry one of those. Now, keep your cool here. John Cleese is a really tall guy in person, so fall down onto the pool deck and whimper while he keeps hitting you on the back and shoulders with the flashlight. He'll hit you, oh, I don't know, say, fifteen times before yelling to his wife to call the police. Oh, I almost forgot: He'll hold you down with his knee right on your neck REAL HARD until the police get there. It might not happen for you, but for me, he called me a "deranged fucking idiot." He even said it in that classic British accent! I hope he does the same for you. So by the time the cops get there, you will have fulfilled your goal of getting your ass kicked by legendary funnyman John Cleese. You don't have to, but I ended my experience by shouting "Hey, do the funny walk bit!" from the back of the patrol car. I'm not sure, but I think he might have smiled at me. (Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)
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