CURRENT ISSUE 10/26/04 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Interview Probe Poll Riding Shotgun With Adventure Still Life With Joan Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Ask Zarxnol The premier child psychologist on his home planet Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol volunteers his opinion on which presidential candidate's policies best serve the future of our nation's children. I will preface my commentary by stating that this "election" process emphatically underlines the doddering state of the human race: the most powerful of its nations obliges its mundane citizenry to select its leader from among a small roster of "men" who beg, cajole, and prostrate themselves before commoners. Preposterous! Were it not for the lessons of The Second Xargolian Axiom of Imperial Conquest (Never disregard a living enemy), I would guarantee that your planet will be conquered within hours of deployment of my armies from the sea. Now as to the question at hand: Which candidate proposes the policies which will best serve the future of America's children? Fortunately, I did not have to take much time away from training your future ruling Army to examine this question thoroughly. There are but two candidates who merit appraisal with regard to the American presidency -- investing time in studying the eleven or so pathetic ancillary pretenders clamoring to share but three percent of the popular vote would be farcical beyond the point of shame! Of these two, only one has experience in enacting national policy regarding children: Bush. The signature Bush policy regarding children, his so-called No Child Left Behind Act for Education (NCLB), is beyond reproach as far as preparing the children of America for their future. NCLB ties a school's funding directly to performance of its pupils on standardized tests, the importance of which cannot be overstated. The structure of standardized tests mandates rote memorization of facts in the format demanded by the test-givers, thus encouraging instructors to teach the children only what their ultimate masters want them to learn. Standardized testing, thus NCLB, lays the groundwork for the efficient conditioning and assimilation of the future leaders of the human race by their Xargolian overlords. This man Kerry, on the other hand, speaks to the education of children mainly in terms of federal funding initiatives. Such talk tells me nothing of his plans to prepare America's progeniture for their inevitable systematic subjugation and ultimate ministration at the tentacles of the righteous hordes of Xargol! No regard shall be paid to such frivolous pecuniary prattle! Therefore, Lord Bush's policies regarding the future of America's children are unequivocally the superior stratagems with respect to your offspring's inevitable submissive end. The standardized testing mandated by NCLB punishes -- thereby quashes -- all nuance and critical dispute, thus easing the transition of power over the next generations of you depilated, nipple-pierced, rollerblading baboons to your inevitable and proper Xargolian rulers. Regards, Zarxnol Send your questions to Zarxnol at: Zarxnol@DailyProbe.com (Translated by Carl Knorr)
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