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Advice from Strangers

This Week's Guest:
John Wayne

Dear Duke,

My son's kind of a pacifist. I don't understand where he gets it from because his grandfather was a veteran killed in the Great War and his old man (that's me) trains boxers in the amateur featherweight division. How can I turn him into a real man?

A Fighter in Fresno

Dear Fighter,

Sounds like your boy needs a little roughing up. You know, I find with my kids that there's nothing better on this earth that shows kids how to develop a real sense of discipline and integrity like a good ol'-fashioned bar fight. Screw that Little League baseball crap.

John Wayne

Dear Mr. Wayne,

Thanksgiving is coming and I was wondering what you think of having all my relatives over. We just got married a year ago. Am I taking on too much?

Not Sure In New York

Dear Not,

I think you should invite them all. This one year my great niece had everyone at her house. There was plenty of food and lots of whiskey. LOTS of whiskey. We ended up in a big brawl. I had to knock out a few cousins who can't hold their liquor. I love family get-togethers.

John Wayne

Dear John,

I've always wanted to be a performer. I specialize in impressions. Enclosed is a CD I burned with my impression of you. I'd like your feedback.

Mike Pilgrim Future Performer

Well, Pilgrim,

You should be more concerned about the impression my fist will make on your face. My horse sounds more like me than you do. Stop being a firebug and be a man. Get a real job.

John Wayne

(Reported by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)

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