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10/28/03

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White House Releases the Good News From Iraq


BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In accordance with new media requirements initiated by President Bush, The Daily Probe is proud to present the Good News from Iraq:

  • Post-War: A total of 99,605 U.S. troops were not killed today in countless cowardly ambushes that never took place, and 97,582 personnel remain uninjured. No unattempted car bombings were successful in their attempts to level the city's several remaining structures.


  • Politics: Iraqi citizens today began enjoying their 30th consecutive week free of an oppressive military-style government.


  • Environment: Millions of barrels of crude oil have not been spilled into the Tigris or Euphrates rivers. The Persian Gulf likewise remains free of Iraqi crude.


  • Culture: The Museum of Antiquities in Baghdad has an unprecedented 99-percent floor-space availability, making it the prime choice of archaeologists to display artifacts from any newly discovered ancient civilizations.


  • Economy: U.S. unemployment rates in Iraq remain near 0 percent despite the flagging economy at home, while the outlook remains especially high for positions in the Searching for Saddam and Weapons of Mass Destruction sectors.


(Reported by Charles Gulledge)




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