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U.N.-Sanctioned Bullshit Detectors Deployed to Middle East
UN Secretary General Kofi Annan has announced plans to dispatch several
"bullshit detectors" to the Middle East, saying "The Third World is woefully
unprepared to handle the sheer quantity of this current political bullshit."
George Stephanopolous of ABC News praised the move. "Politicians have until now been quite
honest in, say, Afghanistan. If an Afghan military chief says he's going to kill you, and kill
your family, and kill your whole tribe, that's pretty much what he means. In America, Gary Condit
said, 'I had no relationship with Chandra Levy' -- a baldfaced lie -- whereas in the Middle
East, he would have said 'I defiled the weak-willed woman-chattel and the
streets shall run red with the blood of the Infidel!' See? Real straight
shooters."
But in the recent political climate, the dissembling, fabulations, and
outright lies from the likes of the Taliban, Osama bin Laden, and even
President Bush have caught a halcyon community unawares.
Consequently, the UN is pressing into service Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot,
former hosts of the television show Mystery Science Theater 3000, to
commentate in silhouette on Qatar's Al Jazeera television network. They
immediately warmed to the challenge:
bin Laden: We must support our Muslim brothers!
Tom: Yeah, just like he helped the ethnic Muslims in the Balkans.
Crow: No, wait, Tom! He sat back and let them get slaughtered like animals!
Tom: Oh, right... yeah, I guess they were helped by the, um...
Mike: Americans?
Tom: Yeah, the Great Unholy Satan gave them a hand there.
bin Laden: It is the time for jihad.
Tom: Oh, jihad. That's so 10th-century thwack-me-with-a-sword.
bin Laden: Fighting the righteous land of Iraq...
Crow: Oh, yeah, Saddam. There's a great, uncorrupted Islamic regime.
bin Laden: I am an ascetic.
Crow: Nice Rolex.
The MST3K crew insists they are the right sentient life forms for the
job: "We have professional experience, and we are Americans. No people
anywhere have ever been lied to so thoroughly, so intricately, and above
all so professionally as Americans."
King Hussein of Jordan immediately demanded similar ironic ridicule of
American president George W. Bush. Replied Jon Stewart, host of The Daily
Show: "Don't worry. We're on it."
(Reported by Peter Rogers)
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