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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
From Hell
What's up? Today's movie review is From Hell, the new movie
starring Johnny Depp and Heather Graham and directed by Allen and
Albert Hughes, the directors of Menace II Society and Dead
Presidents. I've never seen that Menace flick but I'm sure that I
don't have to tell you that Dead Presidents fucking rules. Any
movie about bank robberies and I'm totally parked in the recliner
with a nice big doobie, a handy ashtray and a bucket of Leinenkugels.
I guess I got the total soft spot for that total sneaky underdog
dude who pulls shit over on everyone around him, cause I'm totally
like that in like real life. I'm always pulling shit on my roommate
Dobie and he's like totally in the dark every time. Except that one
time when I woke up on the couch and he'd like shaved off one of my
eyebrows -- I'm still going to fucking get even on that one.
Eyebrows totally don't grow very fast. I'd never like fucking rob
some bank though, but that's what flix are for, right? To totally
like suspend your sense of willing disbelief.
Anyway, From Hell stars Johnny Depp as this like opium addict cop
and Heather Graham as a prostitute, and then Depp's gotta save her
from like Jack The Ripper or something. I gotta say I've like
totally loved Heather Graham ever since Boogie Nights. There's
something about a naked chick wearing skates that really did it for
J.J. I don't skate too much myself, but I dug watching her. Don't
like Johnny Depp too much though -- you ever seen that Edward
Scissorhands movie? That fucking sucked. That had Winona Ryder
though, but every time I see her it reminds me of Karen, the total
bitch I work for at Big Burger. Karen looks like Winona would
totally look if she went vegan and like never exercised ever.
Karen's totally pissed at me -- I thought she found out about shit
I've been saying about her in the Probe reviews, but it turns out
she's just pissed because I've been telling people at work to call
her "Karoid, the Mutant Robot Vegan." I guess she totally just
doesn't have any fucking sense of humor. As soon as Dean promotes me
to assistant manager though, she'll totally have to let up on giving
me shit all the time.
From Hell looks like it's got plenty of violence and drugs, so I
can highly recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few
weeks at the Cine5. I give it 11 J's out of a possible 11 J's. So
till next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to Alice P., Newark NJ: No, OH MY GOD YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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