CURRENT ISSUE 10/29/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Jerry Falwell Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Advice from Strangers This week's guest: Coach John Madden Dear Coach Madden, I'll be a high school freshman this year. My dad is really pushing me to join the junior varsity, but I've played Pop Warner league for the last 4 years and now I'm tired of football. How do I break it to him that I don't want to play football anymore? Perplexed in Topeka Dear PIT Football today isn't what it used to be, but I don't see how anyone could get tired of it. If I hadn't blown out my knee in Philly, I'd probably still be playing today. Now *that* was football, when we played on natural grass, in the mud and rain and snow and nobody had heard of "Astro-turf". We didn't have any of these sissy rules designed to do nothing but to "protect" the quarterback. He couldn't just lay down to avoid the hit. You'd come out of nowhere and, *BOOM*, you got yourself a sack and the guy gets hauled off on a stretcher. Nobody cried for the quarterback, because that was football and it's his job to take a hit when he has to, because without hitting, you don't have real football, which is all about hitting and taking a hit. And did I mention the mud? When it was sloppy and wet and freezing so hard you can see your breath, and everyone's so coated with mud and blood and snow that you can't even read the names on their jerseys, that was when you had *real* football. I'm sorry, what was the question? John Madden Dear Coach Madden, My wife thinks I watch too much football. She says I should only watch the really important games so I can spend more time with her and the kids. How do I convince her that *every* game is important? Depressed in Peoria Dear DIP, First you've got to understand where your wife is coming from. If you've never been in the locker room before a game, naturally you're not going to know what it's like for these guys, because to them, it's always an important game. They're all important, because that's the nature of the game, because if you don't win this game, it just makes it harder to win next week's game, mentally speaking, and before you know it *BOOM*, you've lost another important game. You can't think like that; you have to *know* that every game is important, because to get to the championship game, you've got to win this game and the next game, and the next, and so on. I don't know how to explain it any clearer than that. John Madden Dear Coach Madden, I recently lost the perfect job - 4 hours, one night a week, 4 months out of the year, 6 figures babe. There wasn't a better job for a guy since Pelias sent Jason in search of the Golden Fleece. How do I get over my Ahab-like obsession with the great white whale that took it from me? Depressed in Miami Dear DIM, When I retired from coaching the Raiders, I thought my life was pretty much complete. But then I got into broadcasting, and *BOOM*, I practically became an overnight sensation, first with CBS, then FOX, now the BIG time, Monday Night Football. Who knew I had it in me, huh? Maybe you should give broadcasting a shot. It's not as hard as it looks. I mean, if an overweight, ugly cuss like myself can do it, what have you got to lose? There's no revenge sweeter than success. John Madden (Transcribed by Charles Gulledge)
The Daily Probe is updated every Tuesday or whenever we damn well feel like it. Copyright 2001-2004 / All Rights Reserved No use allowed without prior permission.