|
October 29, 2002
|

North Korea Reveals Nukes at Axis of Evil Trade Show
UNDISCLOSED LOCATION (DPI) - North Korea wowed a convention hall of
evildoing countries with its Viable Nuclear Bomb-Making booth at the
Axis of Evil trade show on Thursday. Competing against lackluster
displays such as Baghdad's Mustard Gas Is Your Friend, or Iran's
Exporting Religious Fanaticism, Pyongyang's presentation would have held
court even without the bikini clad "Nukies." "With the Soviet Union
gone, funding for evil has really dried up," said team leader Kim Lee Kao.
"So, to impress a roomful of distinguished reprehensibles on such a
shoestring budget as ours makes it that much more worthwhile."
(Reported by Davejames)
Jehovah's Witness Costume Top Seller This Year
BOSTON (DPI) - The top-selling costume in nearly every
costume shop this year is the Jehovah's Witness
costume. The costume comes complete with shirt, pants
and religious pamphlets. This month people are urged
to not pretend they are out when these people come to
homes as they may be in search of "fun-size"
Snickers bars. Also quite popular this year is the
door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman costume. The
criminal-line costumes have also fared well with
the serial rapist costume selling the most, followed by
the armed burglar costume, which comes with black ski
mask and sawed-off shotgun.
(Reported by Stuart Johnson)
After Year Off Charts, Blacks Reclaim Profiling
Today Top Spot
WASHINGTON (DPI) - In the wake of 9/11, it's been more than a year since
motorists have heard the strains of "Driving While Black."
African-Americans everywhere were bumped from profiling lists for the
newly popular "Man of Middle Eastern Origin," who literally exploded out
of nowhere. Traditionalists who predicted that this was just a
flavor of the month can rest assured they were right. In the wake of
the sniper arrests, blacks have stormed back to reclaim top spot on many
of the top profiling lists with the irresistible Sniping While Black.
The nation's leading law enforcement profiling magazine, Racial
Profiling Today, is said to rushing a "Black is Back" issue to press.
(Reported by Davejames)
Stung, Swollen Burt Introduces "Burt's Bee Blaster"
PROVIDENCE, R.I. (DPI) - After tripping and
falling into a hive of more than 2,000 of his own
bees, Burt of Burt's Bees has introduced a
new product that kills 43 varieties of bees in an
instant.
"Try my new orgy of death in a can, you little
bastards," said the swollen, seething Burt,
generously coated with his own Dr. Burt's Comfy
Ointment and wrapped head-to-toe in gauze bandage. As
he pressed the release valve on an
environmentally safe non-aerosol can, the dispensed
white mist caused dozens of bees in a Plexiglas case
to drop like Newton's apple. Burt then let out a
muffled belly laugh that was as hearty as it was
disturbing.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Hussein Gets 116% of Vote
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - In a record turnout, Saddam Hussein was re-elected
president of Iraq with an overwhelming 116 percent of the vote. Iraqi officials
claim the vote of every breathing Iraqi was to show Hussein support in
the face of the growing threats of war, with Allah himself miraculously
pushing the percentages past 100. Not surprisingly, the Bush
administration questioned the result. Press Secretary Ari Fleischer noted
pointedly
that the Iraqi leader garnered a full 143% of the vote in 1995 and
attributes the lower percentages to "an obvious and passionate desire
[in the Iraqi people] for regime change."
(Reported by Davejames)
Advertisement
New Regulation Forbids U.S. Troops to Run With Scissors
WASHINGTON (DPI) - The Pentagon took steps today to improve the safety of
U.S. troops by prohibiting armed forces personnel from running with
scissors. "Invading Iraq is risky enough, what with all the bombs and guns
in the hands of people out to kill us without the added risk posed by
running with scissors," said Lt. Gen. Lafayette Leadbottom. That it posed a
risk was a surpise to Pfc. Buford Charms. "I hadn't appreciated the danger,
but now I'll be sure not to run with scissors even if I need to quickly get
my ass out of the way of incoming Iraqi fire," Charms said. "I feel safer
already."
(Reported by Joseph Moore)
|
|

Chief Moose Unclenches Butt Cheeks With Audible Groan
Bush Told, Shown Where Indonesia Is
Belafonte: Sniper Not Really Black, Either
Razor Blade Vendors Prepare for Revitalized DC-Area Trick-Or-Treating
Ticket Sales Slow for Broadway Opening of "Chechen Rebels Take
You Hostage"
Falwell Apologizes for "Muhammad Was a Terrorist," "Jeremiah Was a
Bullfrog" Comments
Al-Jazeera Network Debuts Weekend at bin Laden's
People in Klingon Uniforms Overrepresented in Mensa
Mormons Strive to Ignore Wacky Parts of Origin
Opinion: If You Give Shitty Candy, the Terrorists Have Won
Pamela Anderson's Vagina Claims Sweatshop Conditions
Axis of Evil Plotting Ways to Climb Out of World Cup Cellar
More headlines

Bush Reduces Budget Deficit by Cutting 4 States
Still Too Early to Want to Do Britney Spears' Kid Sister
Nerd's Calendar Clear for Nerd Movie Season

Bill Gates Gives $65 Million to Chain E-Mail Forwarders
SEATTLE (DPI) - Billionaire software tycoon Bill Gates earlier today paid
out more than $65 million to 13,000 individuals simply for forwarding a
chain e-mail to their friends and family members. "A lot of people thought
that e-mail was a sham, that they wouldn't get a nickel from me," said
Gates. "Well, today I'm here to tell you that I really did send this chain
letter and I'm delighted to be sending 13,000 lucky individuals each a
check for $5,000. And to everybody
that deleted the message, you can go jump in a lake, you chain-breaking
ninnies."
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Advertisement
Leno's "Dancing Snipers" Draw Criticism
LOS ANGELES (DPI) - After seeing ratings success with the Dancing Former
Tyco Chief Executive L. Dennis Kozlowskis and the Dancing U.N. Chief
Weapons Inspector Hans Blixes, comedian and "Tonight Show" host Jay Leno
said he may have gone too far on his show with the Dancing Washington D.C.
and Surrounding Suburban Area Loner Probably Ex-Military Tarot Card
Snipers. "Time has shown that America's preferred method of healing is to
rally behind the hilarity of news figures in dancing troupes, but I was
probably a couple of days too soon on rolling this one out," Leno said in a
statement.
(Reported by Davejames)
Co-Op Residents Protest Deplorable Conditions in Third World, Co-op
ANN ARBOR, Mich. (DPI) - A group of student activists crowded Angell Hall
today to protest the lack of standards for clean air and water in
Burma, Cambodia, Laos and their own house. Speaking on behalf of the
World Relief Support Association and Residential Co-Op on Hill Street,
graduate student Forrest Killeen denounced lack of federal
support to oust regimes that support environmental degradation in
villages, growing Asian cities and his second-floor bathroom. "One does not
need to look far to see the effects of the Bush Administration's failures,"
said Killeen. "I've had to pee in the Dumpster out back for weeks, the
toilet's clogged up so bad."
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Augusta National Plans Mistresses Tournament
ATLANTA (DPI) - Augusta National Golf Club, organizer of the Masters
Golf Tournament, announced it will hold its first tournament for women
next year. The Mistresses Golf Tournament will be open to all
members' girlfriends. Club President Hootie Johnson was convinced to let
the women play after members described in graphic detail the costumes their
girlfriends regularly agree to wear and promised that no one would tell
Johnson's wife. Instead of the traditional green jacket, the winner will be
awarded the Trophy Wife Trophy.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|  |
Married Man's Penis Inexplicably Twitches at the Sight of Nathan Lane
| |
|  |
NRA: "Guns Don't Kill People, Kill People Guns Don't"
| |
|  |
Pilgrim's Pride Recalls 27 Million Pounds of Chicken Assholes
| |
|  |
Ice Cream Shop Bin & Laden's Burned to Ground for 33rd Time
| |
|  |
Advisers Mars and Ares Clash Over Access to President's Ear
| |
|  |
Serena Williams Transforms Into Massive Metabot
| |
|  |
Rally Monkey Indicted in 7th-Inning Feces Throw
| |
|  |
Condit, Clinton Chasing Pussy Again
| |
|
|
|