October 31, 2005




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Oct. 31 - Nov. 4,
2005


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Today's News


Human Sex Traffickers Strike Back At Pope's Condemnation


SAMUT PRAKAN, Thailand (DPI) -  Pope Benedict XVI on Friday condemned the human trafficking that fuels the sex industry and the "scourge" of trafficking in human beings for sexual purposes -- charges the International Federation of Cross-Border Pimps did not take lightly or quietly. "Check it, Benny," said IFCBP President Phong "Tiger Slick" Daophut. "Sometimes a guy's gotta get his freak on, and some countries are cooler with that than others." Daophut explained that his organization simply services an existing market that would otherwise go unattended. "Besides, most of us don't have 2000 years to set up an impenetrably complex hierarchy couched in the service of a higher power that just brings the sugar to our doorstep for frizzee," he said.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)


Singer's Arrest Reunites Village People to Record Prison Disco Song

DALY CITY, Calif. (DPI) - Victor Edward Willis, the policeman in the '70s disco group the Village People, was arrested by real police who allegedly found a gun and drugs in the former star's convertible, authorities said. Word of Willis;s arrest spread to the other former members of the group, who quickly decided to reunite and embark on a concert tour to benefit their fallen bandmate. The band's new disco-style dance song, currently being written and choreographed under the working title "(Get Up In That) Behind Bars" in order to support the tour, promises the same upbeat gregarious group-dance-conducive rhythm that made the Village People famous. "We had to do this," said the Indian Chief. "Without Victor, the Village People were a SoHo novelty act at best. He was a tireless driving force behind the band and a special kind of friend." "Besides, we'd already done 'In the Navy' and 'YMCA' - a prison song is natch," said Leather Fetish Motorcycle Guy. "'Behind Bars' will complete our awkward gay-sex-experimentation-source hat trick."

(Reported by Carl Knorr and Jeff Rabinowitz)


Nostalgia Commission Forbids Early '90s Being "Good Old Days"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - The American Nostalgia Commission, at its recent annual meeting, officially ruled that the years 1990 through 1994 inclusive may never be treated as "the good old days" by any officially sanctioned party. "We had to stop this trend before it got started, while the total lameness of the era is still fresh in our minds," said commissioner Robert van Winkle. The ANC's ban prevents recognized artisans from portraying the years 1990-1994 as a golden-honeyed time of youth, be it in a love-letter type "Happy Days"-style sitcom or a look-back-and-laugh-type "That '70's Show" format. Violation of the ban invokes punishment ranging from being blackballed from all ANC-sanctioned projects to having one's personal dirty laundry from the era aired in an E! "True Hollywood Story." "And if some self-important assclown even fucking dares to vomit up some pretentious 'Wonder Years' or 'Brooklyn Bridge'-type bullshit about the early '90's, I will personally pummel the son of a bitch in front of his kids and kick his fucking dog on the way out the door," said van Winkle.

(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)

Headlines


Poll: 93% of Federal Inmates Think Nickname "Scooter" Will Do Libby Just Fine Inside

South Side Chicago Begins Planning for 2093 World Series Victory Party

Takei: "Blowjob Factor 5, Aye, Captain!"

Commodity Brokers Rub One Out, Smoke; Oil Prices Stablize for Three Straight Days

O'Connor on Miers Supreme Court Withdrawal: "Shit! I Want to Retire, You Dinks!"

Hot Female Co-Worker Shows Up Hour Late, Pouts, Receives 43rd "Last Warning" This Year





In-Depth


FDA New Stratified "Black Box" Warnings Include "Works, But May Kill You," "Sucks and Will Kill You"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - In response to recent high-profile drug trials, the Food and Drug Administration will issue different levels of their controversial "Black Box" warnings for pharmaceutical offerings with high instances of dangerous and/or life-threatening side effects.  Beginning the first of the year, high-risk drugs will carry one of more of the following warnings:

WARNING: This product works, but it may kill you. It is the most effective drug for your condition, so you can have a long miserable life of suffering without it, or a short, happy life ending in quick and violent death with it -- your call, chief!

WARNING: This product works a lot of the time, but it has a really good chance of fucking you up for life. It is the ONLY effective medicine available for your condition, so you can die painfully without it, or run the risk of dying looking like an S&M party pecker pinata with it.

WARNING: This product sucks and will kill you, but too many patients ask for it because of those ads with the pretty thirtysomething blonde MILF running through a field of tall green grass to her picnic with butterfiles and chipmunks and multi-ethnic group of similarly attractive friends for us to pull it off the market.

WARNING: The FDA inspector general holds an uncomfortably large amount of stock in this product's manufacturer.


(Reported by Carl Knorr)





Daily Probe Feature


Exclusive Excerpt From New Anne Rice Novel


The Daily Probe prints this excerpt from Anne Rice's forthcoming new gothic horror novel, "The Zombie Earl."



The Zombie Earl
by
Anne Rice
 

Me Earl. Earl zombie. Eat brains. Brains good. Eating brains good. Yummy. Brains!

Not zombie before. Just guy. No eat brains. Brains! Live in Tulsa. Tulsa good. Malls. Buy stuff. Not brains. Earl like Tulsa.

Then zombie attack Earl. Bite arm. Not brain. Earl like brain. Suddenly Earl LIKE BRAINS! BRAINS!

Now Earl zombie. Earl eat brains. BRAINS! Roam Tulsa mall. Eat people. Eat brains. Make more zombies. Tulsa mall zombies. We eat brains.


(Reported by David Kass)





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