November 2, 2005




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Oct. 31 - Nov. 4,
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Today's News


Mighty Ducks Slaughtered in Avian Flu Scare


ANAHEIM, Calif. (DPI) - The Arrowhead Pond was awash with blood this morning -- far more than would be normally present at a hockey arena. Late last night, a violent and confused mob descended upon the rink, killing anyone connected to the Mighty Ducks franchise. "You fools, I'm not the kind of duck that carries influenza," said goalie Ilya Bryzgalov. He and other players tried in vain to stop the massacre. "Ow, God, my face," said forward Kip Brennan, "Do I look like a migratory water fowl to you? Arghhhhh!" Members of the popular '60s band The Byrds reportedly went into hiding after news of the slaughter broke.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)



Bush Refocuses, Declares War on East Asia

POHNPEI, Federated States of Micronesia (DPI) - President Bush refocused the attention of the country on Monday, declaring war on East Asia. Administration supporters were surprised by the move, considering that the country has always been at war with East Asia, but applauded the president's actions nonetheless. Citizens paraded through Washington, chanting, "Treason is patriotism. Lies are truth. We love Big Dubya!" Previously scheduled hate rallies aimed at denouncing the scurrilous traitor, Lewis Libby, were canceled when organizers realized that no such person has ever existed.

(Reported by David Kass)




Holmes to Give Birth to Messiah

HOLLYWOOD (DPI) - With recent extraordinary weather phenomena and the return of the Israelites to their homeland, Christian scholars had predicted the Second Coming to occur very soon, and were overjoyed to learn that actress Katie Holmes is with child. "We knew at once that the Virgin Katie was carrying our beloved messiah," said Rev. Jerry Falwell. "The blessed mother has stated on more than one occasion that she was remaining celibate until marriage. And with Mr. Cruise being a well-known sodomite, there's really no other explanation. Besides, could God choose a more perfect vessel than Katie Holmes? She's adorable!" Teenage boys across Western civilization were also excited by the news, as they had already been worshipping Katie Holmes for some time.

(Reported by Scott Haworth)

Headlines


Rove Busy Leaking Classified Information Regarding Alito Critics

Bush Pledges $7.1 Billion for Whatever Will Distract the Public

Birds Urged to Cover Beaks While Coughing, Sneezing

Prince Charles, Camilla Begin Most Boring British Invasion on Record

"Never Kissed a Girl? Big Deal!" Trekkies Worldwide Rally Behind Takei

Alma Mater to Name Cheney Honorary Doctor of Evil



In-Depth


Libby Tops Rove in Plamegate Suspicion, Rockets to #4 in BCS Poll of Bush Administration Douchebags

WASHINGTON (DPI) - With his indictment last week, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, became the prime suspect in the Plamegate scandal. Libby -- who allegedly leaked the identity of covert CIA Agent Valerie Plame to political columnists as retribution for public criticism by her husband, Ambassador Joseph Wilson, of key evidence the Bush administration presented to the public in the buildup to the war in Iraq -- surpassed the favorite for shoo-in prime suspect, presidential adviser Karl Rove. That propelled Libby's status as a complete douchebag to stratospheric heights. "None of us knew Scooter had it in him," said ABC White House correspondent Terry Moran. According to Moran, endangering the life of a covert operative and compromising American intelligence operations as a petty get-back is a level of treasonous douchebaggery attainable only by the most practiced soulless asswipes. "That's why we all picked Rove," said Moran. "That evil fucker eats puppy noses for breakfast."

Bush Administration Douchebag* BCS Poll Top Ten Standings

1. Karl Rove (0.9866 BCS Rating) Hurt a little by the Libby surprise, but sparkling decades-long resume of douchebaggery can afford the occasional nick every now and then.

2. Michael Brown (0.9224 BCS Rating) Unless you've been living in Osama's cave since Aug. 28th, this needs no explanation.

3. Scott McClellan (0.8483 BCS Rating) The White House press secretary is supposed to answer questions, not redirect them to reporters with empty jabs at their patriotism. Sounding more and more like his boss every day keeps his douchey star on the rise.

4. I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby (0.7755 BCS Rating) - See above article.

5. John Bolton, U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations (0.7520 BCS Rating) Bolton? Ambassador? What the fuck?

6. Rev. James Dobson (0.7121)

7. Donald Rumsfeld (0.7002)

8. Paul Wolfowitz (0.6695)

9. Condoleezza Rice (0.6321)

10. Florida State (0.5735)

*Only appointees, appointees of appointees, and "unofficial official" advisers are eligible for BCS ratings. Elected officials came to office by the American voting public, so the real douchebag in that situation could very well be you.


(Reported by Lars Eisenberg)





Daily Probe Feature


"This Bud's for Bush" Drinking Game


On the culture beat, The Daily Probe brings you the rules of the hot new drinking game sweeping the political science departments of our nation's wild college campuses:

- Every time Bush links Iraq to 9/11, take a sip. No use getting drunk too quickly.

- Every time Tom DeLay is indicted, drink.

- Every time Tom DeLay blames his indictments on partisan attacks, chug.

- Every time Karl Rove testifies before a grand jury, drink.

- Every time President Bush claims to know someone's "heart," drink.

- Every time that person is someone accused of wrongdoing or incompetence, chug.

- Any time President Bush's own base begins to catch on to his complete and total failures, break out the champagne.


(Reported by Simon Paul)





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