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Advice from Strangers



This week's guest:
John Wayne Gacy



Dear Mr. Gacy,

My father wants me to try out for the football team, but I think football is lame and would rather play guitar in my punk trio. How can I convince my dad to lay off?

Rockin' in Rochester


Dear Rockin',

What are ya, gay?!? For chrissakes, kid, you'll never develop into a man by playing music!! You need to be out there banging your head against other sweaty boys. If you want to feel like a man, take my advice: Put down the wimpy little guitar, put on the pads and go bash a smaller kid. It'll make you feel great.

JWG




Dear Mr. Gacy,

I'm a freshman at Beldon High, and I have a really bad crush on a senior boy who is a football hero and the most popular, most handsome guy at the school. My problem is that I'm a bit overweight. I'm not a loser -- I have friends and I'm probably the smartest, funniest girl in my class. But Ryan doesn't even know I exist. How can I make him notice me???

Wishful Wendy


Dear Wishful,

Young girls sure have it rough, especially when they're also ugly as sin. But fear not! There's a solution. Just follow these four simple steps to happiness:

1 -- Lose a shitload of weight.
2 -- Become beautiful.
3 -- Make the cheerleading squad.
4 -- Learn to give head like a hooker.

That should take care of it. If he still doesn't come around, he's gay.

JWG





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