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November 5, 2001



Stooge Experts Warn of Terrorist Eye-Poking Threat

HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - A prominent Stooge think-tank has issued a warning to Americans that incidents of terrorist eye-poking and face-slapping could be on the rise in the coming months. Professors Fiddle, Faddle and Fuddle of the National Stooge Security Commission have urged Americans to learn basic self-defense procedures, most importantly the "hand block along the bridge of the nose" defense against radical militant gougings and boinkings. In addition, warns the commission, if successful in averting any such slapstick assault from a perpetrator holding a paintbrush in his other hand, citizens should avoid sticking their tongues out in defiance of the failed terrorist act.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Cat Faces Sanctions for Responding to Owner

CHICAGO, IL (DPI) - Zoe, a tabby cat that resides with local advertising executive Larry Summers, faces sanctions and possible removal from her home after it was discovered that on several occasions in recent weeks, she acknowledged and responded to her owner. Zoe claimed to have believed that when Larry called her name, he was in possession of food for her consumption and asserted that her response to her housemate was driven by hunger and consequently beyond her control. Feline Council President Snickers Johnson commented to reporters, "Zoe knows that if we start acknowledging, obeying and responding to our housemates, it would reduce all of us to the status of mere pets and not superiors of humans."

(Reported by Ross Brown)



Armed Forces' Spy Photo of Osama bin Laden



Greatest Generation: "Fight, You Yellow Pansies -- FIGHT!!!"

KANSAS CITY, MO (DPI) - Virgil Fordice, President of the Veterans of America's Wars today issued a statement calling on Americans to "put down your dadblame lattes and espressos, strap on a gun, and KILL SOME DAMN A-RABS for chrissake!" Speaking on behalf of what Tom Brokaw has called "the greatest generation," Fordice noted that "we were just boys when WWII started, but we went out there and ended a little thing called FASCISM and stopped a feller named HITLER. Do you mean to tell me today's sissified puffballs can't knock off this cavedwellin' bin Laden and a few grenade launchers?" Fordice called into question what he called the "sticktoiterosity" of today's fighting man.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)



Rumsfeld to America: "You Da Man, Dogg!"

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - In a strongly worded statement to the nation yesterday, Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld threw his support and praise toward the American people, telling the nation, "You da man, dogg!" During a White House press conference, Rumsfeld said, "America has shown its true character in its recovery over the past six weeks, and I just want to let the American people know that you is all da bomb. America is da mackinest country in the Western Hemisphere, yo!" Rumsfeld's statements were met with praise throughout the Capitol. President George W. Bush applauded the statements, adding that he thinks the American people "gots to represent."

(Reported by Greg Preece)



Americans Urged to Put That Thing Away Before You Hurt Somebody

The US Department of Health and Human Services issued a stern warning to Americans today to point that thing away from your face, or better yet, put it away completely before somebody gets poked or something. "Honestly, I don't know why you even got it out in the first place," said HHS Secretary Tommy Thompson in a statement. Shaking a finger at the press conference, Thompson added, "You know that hundreds of kids every year get sent to the hospital because they were swinging that thing all around, crazy-like." Thompson announced the formation of a task force to investigate eye-poking incidents among citizens who think that thing is a toy.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Martial Law Lifted in Travistan as Remote Control Returned Safely

TRAVAMABAD (DPI) - In a tense forty-five minute crisis Saturday, President Travis of the newly-formed Nation of Travistan declared martial law when the Travistani National Remote Control turned up missing. The remote was located soon after, but questions remain about who is responsible for this act of treason against the fledgling apartment-nation. Presumed to be the work of a Fascist spy, the disappearance of the remote left citizens under lockdown until it was located, unharmed, under a corner of the couch. Under Travistani martial law, self-appointed Dictator and President-For-Life Travis Ruetenik is authorized to toss pistachio nuts at the head of any citizen not actively searching for the lost National Relic. The Federal Bureau of Travestigation is running forensic tests on a catnip mouse found near the crime scene.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



Daily Probe Wins Record 0 Emmy Awards

HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) - Oh, we see. Just because we're not a TV show, you're going to get all elitist on us and say we're not eligible. We see your little scheme: In your shallow world, you claim that you have to be a TV show to be nominated for an Emmy. What a bunch of snobs. We think you're all just afraid of us. Best writing? All of a sudden The Daily Probe's talented and funny writers aren't eligible, just because of some little technicality, like the fact that they don't write for a TV show? Bah! The fix is in. We say good day to you! Good day!

(Reported by Greg Preece)





Greek Firefighters Hailed As Gyros

Saddam Hussein: US Sanctions to Blame for Tiny, Tiny Iraqi Penises

Louis Farrakhan and Nation of Islam No Longer Sure of Whom to Hate

Terrorist Plot to Destroy Bridge During Rush Hour Thwarted by Rush Hour Traffic

Homeland Security Directory Tom Ridge: We Need Steenking Badges

K-Mart Sales of Osama bin Laden Novelty T-Shirts Now Exceed Afghanistan GDP

Study: Hall's "Advanced Vapor Action" Actually Just Plain Ol' Stank

New Flintstones Cipro Makes Fighting Terrorism Fun for Kids

Exotic Dancer Isn't Really Either

Report: Dead People Not Contributing to the Economy

More headlines



U.S. Postal Service Stamp Sets for 2001

Stay Alert! -- A Message from Tom Ridge

Roll Your Own Emmy Speech

Probe Special Report: Terrorism and the Number 11




Postal Workers Exposed to Fellow Postal Worker

TRENTON, NJ (DPI) - As if they didn't already have enough to worry about, Postal workers in the Trenton, NJ mail handling facility where the anthrax-laden letters to Tom Brokaw and the New York Post were handled were exposed yesterday to fellow postal worker Ed Longenecker. "We were in a big meeting where they were going over the Cipro instructions," said mail carrier Rhonda Harrow, "and next thing you know Ed is standing on the Zip+4 conveyor belt as naked as the day he was born, hollering something about 'propagating his spores' or some such nonsense." Postal officials quickly quarantined the semi-erect Longenecker before he could spread.

(Reported by Jim Rosenberg)



Greenspan Predicts Economic Recovery as Millions Come Down, Buy Munchies

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Citing findings concerning likely consumer reaction to the September 11th tragedy, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan announced today that a boom in consumer spending is all but certain. "Our numbers indicate that tens of millions of Americans got high and stayed high in response to the terrorist attacks. Eventually, those people are going to come down," and, when they do, there is going to be "a serious run on munchies." Stock of PepsiCo, the parent company of Frito-Lay, maker of Doritos and other snack food, was up $2.45 on the news.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)



Traces of Anthrax Discovered in Anthrax Research Lab

SACRAMENTO, CA (DPI) - Anthrax spores were detected in the University of Sacramento's Anthrax Research Lab yesterday, in what experts say is a surprising migration. "We are completely baffled by this," said CDC resident pathologist Leslie Bairnan. "How the spores managed to spread from D.C. postal facilities to this lab is beyond us. The rules are being rewritten every day." Many of the spores were found inside the Petri dishes of crucially important experiments. "Lives depend on the work we do here, so we need to take care of this as quickly as possible," said Dr. Bairnan. The lab has been sealed and is being completely sterilized.

(Reported by LeMel Hebert-Williams)



38 Year Old "Baby" No Longer Needs New Pair of Shoes

ELIZABETH, NJ - Avid gambler Cal Burke has given up his thrice-weekly trips to Atlantic City after realizing that his son was no longer an infant in need of footwear. Thomas Burke, 38, of Morristown, NJ, recently pointed out to his father that he hasn't been a baby for well over 34 years, and that, in fact, he purchases his own footwear. Although initially surprised at the news, Cal said that maybe he was gambling a bit too much, and that he plans to spend some of his newfound time "catching up on the Brooklyn Dodgers."

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)






Ford Introduces New "Erection" Sport Utility Vehicle

DETROIT, MI (DPI) - In response to the success of its Excursion, Expedition and Explorer SUV models, Ford executives today announced that the company's new 2002 line will introduce a larger model, the Ford Erection. The company hopes to take advantage of consumer demand for larger, more powerful vehicles among the coveted target market of Men Ages 25-49 With Exceptionally Small Penises. "We felt that adding more inches to this exciting new model will provide the customer with a stronger, tougher, thicker, longer-lasting driving experience than ever before," said Ford spokesperson Jacques Nasser. "The hot, supple leather seats, the steely firmness of the hood and fenders, and the surging manhood of the 18-cylinder 16.0 liter engine are designed to wrap the customer in satiny luxury while hauling his load to whatever destination he chooses."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)



  Domestic News
¤ U.S. Overconsumption Plunges 2%
¤ Current War Efforts Deemed "Highly Effective" in Eliminating Tourism
¤ U.S. News Media Struggles to Come Up With New Scary Material
¤ GOP Faults Clinton Administration for Sinking of Titanic
¤ In Show of Patriotism, Columbia House Gives Taliban Only Three CD's for a Penny
¤ Band Geeks Decry Lack of Halftime TV Coverage
¤ Sphygmomanometer Makes 17th Straight Sweep of Annual Goofy Instrument Name Awards
¤ Crime Dog McGruff Takes Bite Out Of Crime, Postal Worker
¤ American Males Mourn Passing of Bare-Navel Season for Hot Chicks

  Local News
¤ Two Dead, Six Injured in Dorm Room Bong/Pizza Mishap
¤ Behind-the-Curve Entrepreneur Neighbor Now Sitting on $10,000 Worth of Unsellable Flag Crap
¤ Numbnut's Nuts Disconcertingly Numb
¤ Geezer's Lawn Evacuated Due to "Credible Threat" of Hose Attack
¤ Weirdo Who Just Got on the Bus Eyeing Seat Next to You
¤ Coworker is Waaaaay Too Into Linux, Anime Porn

  Entertainment
¤ Robert Downey, Jr. Found Unconscious In Jalalabad Cave
¤ Snizzoop Dizzogg Sizzells Hizzouse
¤ Limp Bizkit "Super Cool" In Real Life, Cites Habitually Lying Co-Worker
¤ Mandy Moore Issues Restraining Order Against Creepy Probe Writer
¤ Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson to Record Updated Ebony and Ivory
¤ A Mummenschanz Retrospective: What the Hell Was THAT All About?
¤ Marceau/Teller to Defend Title Against Shields/Yarnell at "Monsters of Mime" Smackdown

  Science/Tech
¤ Kansas Board of Education Denies Existence of Anthrax
¤ NyQuil Found to Increase Sleeping on Couch
¤ NASA Scientists Point Hubble Telescope at Jeri Ryan's Bathroom Window

  Sports
¤ German Sprinter Tests Positive for Scooby Snacks
¤ Steinbrenner Attempts to Fire Schilling, Johnson
¤ Skinny African Guy Gets Surprise New York Marathon Win
¤ Salt Lake City Olympic Officials Caught Trying to Sell Winter Games on eBay




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