CURRENT ISSUE 11/11/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	The Daily Probe College Football Taco Bell/Sprint/2000 Flushes Bowl Power Rankings With few girlie-man and girlie-girl exceptions, we at the Daily Probe love our college football. However, we find that the current BCS rating system, while completely incomprehensible, is also stupid and wrong. So for those of you who know their Terrapins from their Gamecocks, we hereby present to you the Taco Bell/Sprint/2000 Flushes Bowl Power Rankings Top 15: 15. Morehead College -- C'mon, how could we leave out a school with this cool a name? 14. Wabash College -- A Google search for the #14 college football team returned this assumed powerhouse. Incidentally, this is the first time a Division III team placed in a Division I poll. 13. UNLV/UCLA -- University of Nevada Las Vegas and University of California Los Angeles, the saviors of "paid by the word" sportwriters. A good sportswriter can even use the name as half of a game's recap. 12. Washington State -- They came in at 6 on the AP Poll and 6 on the Coaches Poll, so simple math easily places them as number 12. 11. Ball State -- Although we haven't seen them play this year, the name just reaks of steroid-filled sportsmongers. They'd easily get the #2 seed if they added "Foot" to their name. 10. Cal State Fresno -- We couldn't name a single player off this fine team because the hotties in the student section bring a more primitive and engaging game to mind. 9. University of California at Irvine -- We frankly don't know if they even have a football team. Who cares? They're Anteaters! 8. The Cleveland Cavaliers -- We figure a kid of Lebron's obvious talents should have enough free time left over between saving the NBA, leading the Cavaliers to respectability and selling overpriced sneakers to form a pick-up football team, diagram plays on the pavement with bottle tops and shards of glass, and STILL crack the Top Ten. Easy. 7. Army -- With no head coach, the team should excel through individual achievements and small-arms proficiency. 6. Webster University -- A dark shadow fell across the St. Louis Intercollegiate Athletic Conference when rumor spread that the Webster University Gorlocks had found one of the lost Seeing Stones, and had commenced breeding an army of Uruk-hai capable of running a 4.2 40. 5. Oklahoma -- Offsetting that "Sooners" sounds like a bunch of victims of sexual dysfunction is the fact that those corn-fed mutant fuckers are HUGE! 4. Purdue -- Any team with such a good drink named after them deserves at least a 4 spot. 3. USC -- Ranked this high just so we can remind them that they LOST to the freakin' propeller-beanie-headed Poindexters from Cal. HA HA HA! Losers!! 2. Michigan -- After seeing Hugh Jackman take a licking, keep on ticking and pound the snot out of those other freaks, only enlightened self-interest could keep the Wolverines from the top spot in our poll (see below). 1. University of Hawaii -- Doubtless, this is the finest team in the country, the kind of quality program that would happily pay to have football experts such as ourselves flown out for the end-of-the- season awards luau, putting us up in beachfront hotels and sending nubile island maidens to cater to our every whim. A small price to pay for a number 1 rating, assuming [ahem] the fighting Vulcans retain their lofty position, a position assigned solely at the fickle whim of the Daily Probe staff. You're listening, right? (Reported by Joseph Moore and team)
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