CURRENT ISSUE 11/11/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	I Should Have Have Had Germans Build My Bunker A guest Probeatorial by By Saddam Hussein No running water, no electricity, cracks in the wall, no decent plumbing, no air conditioning -- I knew I should have had the Germans build my bunker! Now Hitler, there was a man with a bunker. Stolen priceless paintings to soothe the mind, urine-absorbing floors for those sudden late night bombings, and classical music pumped in to better disguise the sound of chattering teeth. But me? Dictator of one of the richest countries in the world? I don't have have anything near as good. The biggest problem with bunkers is that they are bunkers. No one can really test to how they hold up until its too late. And the contractors know they can rip you off -- because if you're down here finding out if your walls are bomb-proof, they're topside feeling pretty confident that you're a goner. You think they would have learned from 1991 when I emerged from a substandard bunker and set the builders on fire in a public square for all to watch. But you know contractors, a few employees set on fire have never really stopped them from cutting corners on the government dime. Germans, even as far back as the WWII days, were efficient. You would never see them not stock a mustache trimmer with the toiletries. And Hitler had room for many wives in his place, even though he only had that frumpy sack-dress-wearing hausfrau of a woman Eva Braun lying about the place. Me, I can only fit my first and second wives in this hovel. And they're not even the good two. When the Americans finally give up looking for me and I emerge, I won't be as stupidly lenient as to only set people on fire for shoddy workmanship, believe you me. And next time, I'm going to let the Germans build my bunker. (Transcribed by Davejames)
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