CURRENT ISSUE 11/11/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Francis of Assisi Bitch-Slaps Your Wussy, Limp-Wristed Patron Saint by Professor Winston Heathrow, Oxford University OXFORD, England (DPI) - For millions of faithful around the globe, the veneration of saints and the choosing of one special patron saint as a means of bringing oneself closer to God is a centuries-old tradition. I have been studying the lives of the great saints since 1954 and I can now share with you the fruits of my labor: St. Francis of Assisi beats the balls off your or anyone else's bargain-bin patron saint. First of all, you've got the stigmata. C'mon, the stigmata! This is the Heisman Trophy of sainthood. And you want to talk about miracles? Francis could perform a miracle with one hand while shaking his johnson after a piss with the other. So, you're going to try to top that anyways, huh? Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. St. Peter, huh? How predictable, never saw that coming. And I know what you're going to say next: "Well, he was an apostle." Yeah, big fucking whoop. Judas was an apostle too, asshole. And how about the way he denied knowing Jesus when the Romans were all over his shit, and then after the crucifixion, he was suddenly all into his Christian faith again? Candy-assed poseur. Probably wore a fanny pack and clogs, too. Oh, so now you're gonna pull St. Ignatius of Loyola out of your ass, huh? Hey, better watch your back Francis, here comes the founder of the Jesuits and the patron saint of basketball! Uh oh, I think ol' St. Frank just shit himself. Hey Ignatious, the pope just called. He said you can take your lips off of his buttcheeks now. (Reported by Gus Harris)
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