CURRENT ISSUE 11/11/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Your Life Totally Sucks Compared to Mine by Ben Affleck My life is incredible. Your life, on the other hand, is probably a miserable day-to-day life sentence of middle-class monotony and mediocrity. My life is so, so much better than yours, I don't even know where to begin. The money? Okay, we'll start there. Guess how much scratch I made from Pearl Harbor? A little over $12 million. I almost puked when they told me that they were going to pay me that much to star in that crap-a-thon, so you must have puked just now when I told you. And here's the best part: they paid me every goddamn dime even though the movie sucked. I'll bet if you fucked up some project at work you'd get tossed out the loading-dock door on your ass. But me, when I make some celluloid stool of a flick, I get to make even more movies for even more money next time. Then there's dating Jennifer Lopez. And she is every bit as fine as you imagine she is. Remember that green wisp of a dress she wore to the Oscars? Well, I took it off her the other night using only my teeth. Odds are, while you were jerking off into the cheap dress sock that you had worn to your shitty, dead-end job that day, I was pumping JLo's magnificent ass like Willie Shoemaker riding Secretariat down the home stretch of the Belmont Stakes. And I can get it from her any time I want to. Last night, I woke her up at 3:30 in the morning to do it, just to see if I could. And lemme tell you, shagging Jennifer Lopez even when she's half asleep and with messy hair was still phenomenal, way way better than any sex you've ever had in your entire pathetic life. Trust me on this one, I know what I'm talking about here. I could go on and on about other things such as my hunky good looks, my youth, my $4-million home, my Oscar or the zillion perks that come from being famous, but I'm going to get back to my yacht now and drink Dom Perignon with my buddies Matt Damon, Julia Roberts and Jack Nicholson. And so my pathetic little friend, the grass is definitely greener on the other side -- when it's my fucking side, that is. Now get to it. This fucking lawn isn't going to mow itself. (Reported by Gus Harris)
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