CURRENT ISSUE 11/19/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Eminem Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Frank Haskins Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Advice from Strangers This week's guest: Jason Voorhees First of all, I'd just like to take this opportunity to thank the editorial committee of The Daily Probe for giving me this chance to prove to society that I am more than a mute, mindless killer. I strongly feel that I have been unfairly stereotyped by the media, and I hope that the readership will give me this chance to prove that I am, to coin a phrase, much more than the sum of my parts. Thank you. Dear Jason: I have always thought that I was mature enough to be immune to office politics, yet recently I have been routinely insulted by a co-worker who seems to feel that he deserves promotion ahead of me despite my many years of seniority. After all of this, I have managed to obtain documented proof of a serious mistake he has made. I don't want to play the political game, but this could work to my advantage. How do I approach this? Tempted in Tempe Dear Tempted: This is quite a moral conundrum that you face. On one hand, you do not want to have to stoop to your co-worker's level, yet on the other you could prevent a lot of future aggravation. My thoughts on this are twofold: Rather than "ratting" this particular scoundrel out, you could secure your documented proof somewhere and subtly let him know that you are aware of his shortcomings. This could give you the upper hand in negotiations with him, and would significantly reduce his interference with your career. At the same time, you may find he becomes eager to help you, rather than try to one-up you. The benefits of this tactic are many. Option number two may seem more primal, but in my opinion far more satisfying: Track him to his house and, when he is alone, run a 12-inch machete through his stomach, eviscerating him until his life-giving organs spill onto the floor like so many bloody dead fish, then cleave his head neatly in two, his brains spilling out like bloody candies from a pinata while his body twitches underneath you like a dead carp. Take glee in the look of horror on his face, frozen there for eternity as you bathe in his viscera in front of his slowly dying eyes so that the last thing he sees before shuffling off his mortal coil is your perfect, violent, homicidal triumph. Either way, you win! Dear Jason: I'm a young, physically challenged camper at a Northeastern summer camp. I find my special needs are not being met due to the co-ed counselors constantly consuming alcohol, taking drugs and fornicating. It makes me so MAD that I find myself wanting to exact my revenge on them! But I'm not sure exactly how. Any advice? Abandoned Near Ann Arbor Dear Abandoned: Ah, a child after my own heart! Tell me, do you hear a disembodied voice chanting, "Kill kill kill kill kill kill ... die die die die die"? If so, we should talk! (Transcribed by Greg Preece)
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