November 19, 2002
Saddam Promises No Games With Weapons Inspectors
BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Saddam Hussein promised Monday night to cooperate
fully and completely with top U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix and his
team. "I will give
full access, maps and lists of chemicals to the first inspector who can
me a gum wrapper, empty toothpaste tube, a red leaf, a fireman's hat, a Spam
can key, a lock of blonde hair, a blue ribbon, an American serviceman's dog
tags, a free AOL CD," said the Iraqi dictator, "a pop can pull tab, a
Canadian penny, a Christmas bulb,
the signature of someone famous -- royal family excluded -- a tissue used
by Colin Powell and a propeller bolt from any Allied aircraft.
(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)
Saudi Court Finds Actress Ryder Guilty of Shoplifting
Lott Congratulates Pelosi, Asks Her for More Coffee
WASHINGTON (DPI) - As Republican Majority Leader
Trent Lott welcomed Nancy Pelosi into her new position
as Democratic leader of the House, she expressed
optimism about overcoming the partisan hurdles that
have gridlocked the nation's capital for years.
A confident Pelosi told Lott, "I'm looking forward to
working together on the issues that concern Americans
most, including the economy, the war against
terrorism and the preservation of Social Security."
Patting Pelosi on the right buttock, Lott replied,
"Yeah, well, that's all very nice honey. Now be a dear
and get me and the boys a refill on the java, okay
(Reported by Reported by Miles Walker)
U.N. Resolution Deemed "Powerfully Vague"
NEW YORK (DPI) - U.N. Security Council members called last week's Iraq
resolution "powerfully vague" and said the obliquely worded document sent a
"muddy, but, in general, unsettling" message to Saddam Hussein. "We are
proud to have produced something so completely tepid and undefined," one
member said. "The world can relax for a few minutes because peace is maybe
possible if parts of this resolution are more or less enforced to some
degree." Others disagreed. "Make no mistake. If certain things aren't done,
certain other things of an unpleasant nature are bound to happen at some
point," concluded U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan.
(Reported by Mark Schmidt and Joseph Moore)
Bin Laden Audiotape Features American Idol Demo
WASHINGTON (DPI) - As linguistic experts from
America's intelligence community analyzed the newly disclosed Osama bin
Laden audiotape with the newest cutting-edge
technology, President Bush revealed that besides extremist anti-American
political rhetoric, the tape also contains "a very
promising" singing demo by the Al-Qaeda leader, ostensibly for the hit Fox
show American Idol.
Bush called bin Laden "a
sick, evil terrorist that must be stopped," but also
conceded that terrorist leader has "a pretty good voice."
"We were particularly impressed by his rendition of 'The
Greatest Love of All,'" said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer.
Bush stated that bin Laden is "no Sinatra, but he's pretty
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Dude, She's Looking This Way
THE ELEMENT BAR (DPI) - Dude, check her out, man. No, not her. The blonde
chick next to her. Yeah, the one without the goiter. She's looking over here
man. She's must have noticed that half a can of O'Doul's that you had the
waiter send over to her table. Oh shit dude! She's fucking looking this way!
And she's smiling! Oh my God, man! This is a first! Usually they just down
whatever drink I gave them and then run out of the bar looking for the
nearest pig cop to tell them that I slipped them a date-rape drug.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher)
Slow-Moving Mall Shopper Inadvertently Decorated
Michael Jackson's Nose Fails to Appear at California Trial
Saddam's Autobiography, King of Terror, a Kid's Book, Says Saddam
Source: Jiang Zemin Nears "I'm Going to Disneyland" Deal
Some Kind of Noise Coming From Daschle as He Circles Crapper
Iranian Cleric Orders Death for Anyone Questioning Peaceful Nature of Islam
Evil-Ass Sniper Suspect's Lawyer Asks Public for Fair Trial for Murdering,
Upon Further Review, bin Laden Did Not Control Bali
Harry Belafonte to "Blackcredit" African-Americans
Synchronicity Achieved With Mullet Tattoo
Top GOP Leaders Arrested for Conspiracy to Take Over Country
FBI Agent Having Hard Time Finding Female Bodies to Inspect
Wives Sue Hollywood over Failure to Provide Romantic Endings
"Jeffy Lube" Out-Slicked by Competitor
DAYTON, Ohio (DPI) - Jeff Lubinski of Jeffy Lube has closed shop after
losing his trademark-infringement lawsuit against oil-lubrication chain
Jiffy Lube. "Once, I
had lots of customers, but the Jiffy Lube down the street stole them by
sort of ripping off my name," said Lubinski. "It's like those bastards on
The Price Is
Right who bid one dollar higher than the other guy to win showcase
showdown." Lubinski said the American justice
system didn't protect him. Undeterred, Lubinski said he plans to land on
his feet. "I've poured my life savings into a partnership with my
sister Kaye," he said. "She's got a small shop downtown called KayeMart,
and I think it has a future."
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere and Davejames)
Satellite Photo Shows Iraq Preparing for U.N. Inspectors
"There Goes the Barnyard," Bleat Gay-Sheep Opponents
DUNEDIN, New Zealand (DPI) - Recent discoveries of gay sheep have provoked a
strong resistance from mainstream ovine reactionaries, prompting the
development of the Defense of Manger Act here. "The influence even one gay
sheep can have on the entire
farm should not be underestimated," said spokesheep Cotton
Downs. "We are a herd of followers, after
all, and this is the greatest threat we've faced to livestock purity
since that accursed clone, Dolly." Simple "Don't Bleat, Don't Baa"
policies are inadequate, said Downs, who called for an outright ban from
Farmer McDonald on the expression of this lifestyle. "I'm thinking of the
lambs here," said Downs. "They are our future."
(Reported by Martin Bredeck)
Virginia Executes Pakistani CIA Killer by Lethal Hail of Bullets
Greenspan Pressed to Explain Movement in Interest Rates, Bowels
Almighty Shocked at CNN Exec's War Prayers
Reigning Rock-Paper-Scissors Champ to Retire After Masturbation-Related
America's Funniest Home Videos Celebrates 10,000th Groin Injury
Well-Wishers Shower Lopez, Affleck With Mediocre Movie Scripts
Iraqi Parliament Unanimously Votes Hussein "Sexiest Saddam Alive"
Shaq-less Kobe Shooting More Than Muhammad and Malvo Combined
Study: 82% of "Greatest Generation" Unable to Take Decent Dump