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11/19/02

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November 19, 2002
Saddam Promises No Games With Weapons Inspectors BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Saddam Hussein promised Monday night to cooperate fully and completely with top U.N. weapons inspector Hans Blix and his team. "I will give full access, maps and lists of chemicals to the first inspector who can bring me a gum wrapper, empty toothpaste tube, a red leaf, a fireman's hat, a Spam can key, a lock of blonde hair, a blue ribbon, an American serviceman's dog tags, a free AOL CD," said the Iraqi dictator, "a pop can pull tab, a Canadian penny, a Christmas bulb, the signature of someone famous -- royal family excluded -- a tissue used by Colin Powell and a propeller bolt from any Allied aircraft. (Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz) Saudi Court Finds Actress Ryder Guilty of Shoplifting Lott Congratulates Pelosi, Asks Her for More Coffee WASHINGTON (DPI) - As Republican Majority Leader Trent Lott welcomed Nancy Pelosi into her new position as Democratic leader of the House, she expressed optimism about overcoming the partisan hurdles that have gridlocked the nation's capital for years. A confident Pelosi told Lott, "I'm looking forward to working together on the issues that concern Americans most, including the economy, the war against terrorism and the preservation of Social Security." Patting Pelosi on the right buttock, Lott replied, "Yeah, well, that's all very nice honey. Now be a dear and get me and the boys a refill on the java, okay sweetie?" (Reported by Reported by Miles Walker) U.N. Resolution Deemed "Powerfully Vague" NEW YORK (DPI) - U.N. Security Council members called last week's Iraq resolution "powerfully vague" and said the obliquely worded document sent a "muddy, but, in general, unsettling" message to Saddam Hussein. "We are proud to have produced something so completely tepid and undefined," one member said. "The world can relax for a few minutes because peace is maybe possible if parts of this resolution are more or less enforced to some degree." Others disagreed. "Make no mistake. If certain things aren't done, certain other things of an unpleasant nature are bound to happen at some point," concluded U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan. (Reported by Mark Schmidt and Joseph Moore) *Bin Laden Audiotape Features American Idol* Demo** WASHINGTON (DPI) - As linguistic experts from America's intelligence community analyzed the newly disclosed Osama bin Laden audiotape with the newest cutting-edge technology, President Bush revealed that besides extremist anti-American political rhetoric, the tape also contains "a very promising" singing demo by the Al-Qaeda leader, ostensibly for the hit Fox show American Idol. Bush called bin Laden "a sick, evil terrorist that must be stopped," but also conceded that terrorist leader has "a pretty good voice." "We were particularly impressed by his rendition of 'The Greatest Love of All,'" said White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer. Bush stated that bin Laden is "no Sinatra, but he's pretty good." (Reported by Miles Walker) Dude, She's Looking This Way THE ELEMENT BAR (DPI) - Dude, check her out, man. No, not her. The blonde chick next to her. Yeah, the one without the goiter. She's looking over here man. She's must have noticed that half a can of O'Doul's that you had the waiter send over to her table. Oh shit dude! She's fucking looking this way! And she's smiling! Oh my God, man! This is a first! Usually they just down whatever drink I gave them and then run out of the bar looking for the nearest pig cop to tell them that I slipped them a date-rape drug. (Reported by Danny Gallagher)		Slow-Moving Mall Shopper Inadvertently Decorated Michael Jackson's Nose Fails to Appear at California Trial Saddam's Autobiography, King of Terror, a Kid's Book, Says Saddam Source: Jiang Zemin Nears "I'm Going to Disneyland" Deal Some Kind of Noise Coming From Daschle as He Circles Crapper Iranian Cleric Orders Death for Anyone Questioning Peaceful Nature of Islam Evil-Ass Sniper Suspect's Lawyer Asks Public for Fair Trial for Murdering, Better-off-Dead Client Upon Further Review, bin Laden Did Not Control Bali Harry Belafonte to "Blackcredit" African-Americans Synchronicity Achieved With Mullet Tattoo More headlines Top GOP Leaders Arrested for Conspiracy to Take Over Country FBI Agent Having Hard Time Finding Female Bodies to Inspect Wives Sue Hollywood over Failure to Provide Romantic Endings "Jeffy Lube" Out-Slicked by Competitor DAYTON, Ohio (DPI) - Jeff Lubinski of Jeffy Lube has closed shop after losing his trademark-infringement lawsuit against oil-lubrication chain Jiffy Lube. "Once, I had lots of customers, but the Jiffy Lube down the street stole them by sort of ripping off my name," said Lubinski. "It's like those bastards on The Price Is Right who bid one dollar higher than the other guy to win showcase showdown." Lubinski said the American justice system didn't protect him. Undeterred, Lubinski said he plans to land on his feet. "I've poured my life savings into a partnership with my sister Kaye," he said. "She's got a small shop downtown called KayeMart, and I think it has a future." (Reported by Jody LaFerriere and Davejames) Satellite Photo Shows Iraq Preparing for U.N. Inspectors "There Goes the Barnyard," Bleat Gay-Sheep Opponents DUNEDIN, New Zealand (DPI) - Recent discoveries of gay sheep have provoked a strong resistance from mainstream ovine reactionaries, prompting the development of the Defense of Manger Act here. "The influence even one gay sheep can have on the entire farm should not be underestimated," said spokesheep Cotton Downs. "We are a herd of followers, after all, and this is the greatest threat we've faced to livestock purity since that accursed clone, Dolly." Simple "Don't Bleat, Don't Baa" policies are inadequate, said Downs, who called for an outright ban from Farmer McDonald on the expression of this lifestyle. "I'm thinking of the lambs here," said Downs. "They are our future." (Reported by Martin Bredeck)



		Virginia Executes Pakistani CIA Killer by Lethal Hail of Bullets
		Greenspan Pressed to Explain Movement in Interest Rates, Bowels
		Almighty Shocked at CNN Exec's War Prayers
		Reigning Rock-Paper-Scissors Champ to Retire After Masturbation-Related Injury
		America's Funniest Home Videos Celebrates 10,000th Groin Injury
		Well-Wishers Shower Lopez, Affleck With Mediocre Movie Scripts
		Iraqi Parliament Unanimously Votes Hussein "Sexiest Saddam Alive"
		Shaq-less Kobe Shooting More Than Muhammad and Malvo Combined
		Study: 82% of "Greatest Generation" Unable to Take Decent Dump