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Advice from Strangers



This week's guest:
Tom Snyder



Dear Tom,

I don't think I'm an ugly man, by any stretch of the imagination, but I just have problems meeting women! My buddies say that it's because I'm not confident enough, but how can I get confident if I never meet anyone?! I'm almost 40, and it's starting to look like I'm a "confirmed old bachelor!" I'm sure if I could meet the right girl, that could change, but I don't know where to start! Help!

Loveless in LA


Dear LILA,

This reminds me of a funny story. It was back in 1977, and I had a guest spot that week on Hollywood Squares. Well, wouldn't you know it, but Paul Lynde, that wonderful, lamented, late talent and I struck up a conversation. "Oh, Tom," he said, and he said it just like that too. "Oh, Tom. I'm so lonely. I just want to be loved... is that so wrong?" Well sir, I totally forgot about that until a few years later when I met Harvey Fierstein at a party at Spago. Well, I told him that, and Harvey (who speaks with this really deep but effeminate voice, that just cracks me right up!) just started laughing like nobody's business. "I have to use that, bubby," he told me. And he did, too, in Torch Song Trilogy. Great story!

As far as your problem goes, LILA, don't give up. I mean, if Harvey and Paul can find nice ladies to settle down with, you can too! Just become a gay entertainer, I guess. You might also want to check out the drag queen scene -- some of those guys can be pretty darned convincing! Chin up!




Dear Tom,

A few weeks ago, my girlfriend caught me...well, let's just say she caught me "with my pants down" while I was at home watching an adult movie. Now she thinks I'm a pervert. She's saying I shouldn't have to watch them if I have her, and my point of view is that it's only a stress relief for when she's not around. She's not buying it, Tom. I love her, but sometimes I just have to relieve some tension when she isn't around. How do I convince her of this?

Unit In Hand, Maybe Permanently


Dear Unit,

Oh, mercy. You've just reminded me of the most wonderful story from when I first broke into broadcasting. I was drinking whiskey sours with Walter Winchell in New York. He was a legend, I was a legend-in-training. So, anyway, we're drinking these wonderful concoctions (which you could get for a nickel back in those days!) and Walter has this adorable cocktail waitress sitting on his lap. Well, to make a short story long, his wife comes in (A lovely lady, taken before her time. Full of life. I would have bet her to outlast us all.) So, she just goes nuts. "You rapscallion!" she says to Walter. "Rapscallion," by the way, was a much more common phrase back then than it is now. Where was I? Oh yes, so Walter says... and I'll never forget this, "Why my dear, she was tired from being on her feet, so I wanted to give her a lift." Well, sir, the table just erupted in gales of laughter! Later, they explained to me what he meant, because of course I was young and naive then.

I guess what I'm trying to say is... oh, sugar! What was the question again?

Tom





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