Advice from Strangers
This week's guest:
I don't think I'm an ugly man, by any stretch of the imagination,
but I just have problems meeting women! My buddies say that it's because
I'm not confident enough, but how can I get confident if I never meet
anyone?! I'm almost 40, and it's starting to look like I'm a "confirmed
old bachelor!" I'm sure if I could meet the right girl, that could change,
but I don't know where to start! Help!
Loveless in LA
This reminds me of a funny story. It was back in 1977, and I had
a guest spot that week on Hollywood Squares. Well, wouldn't you know it,
but Paul Lynde, that wonderful, lamented, late talent and I struck up a
conversation. "Oh, Tom," he said, and he said it just like that too.
"Oh, Tom. I'm so lonely. I just want to be loved... is that so wrong?"
Well sir, I totally forgot about that until a few years later when I
met Harvey Fierstein at a party at Spago. Well, I told him that, and
Harvey (who speaks with this really deep but effeminate voice, that
just cracks me right up!) just started laughing like nobody's business.
"I have to use that, bubby," he told me. And he did, too, in Torch Song
Trilogy. Great story!
As far as your problem goes, LILA, don't give up. I mean, if Harvey and
Paul can find nice ladies to settle down with, you can too! Just become
a gay entertainer, I guess. You might also want to check out the
drag queen scene -- some of those guys can be pretty darned convincing!
A few weeks ago, my girlfriend caught me...well, let's just say she caught
me "with my pants down" while I was at home watching an adult movie. Now
she thinks I'm a pervert. She's saying I shouldn't have to watch them if
I have her, and my point of view is that it's only a stress relief for when
she's not around. She's not buying it, Tom. I love her, but sometimes I just
have to relieve some tension when she isn't around. How do I convince her
Unit In Hand, Maybe Permanently
Oh, mercy. You've just reminded me of the most wonderful story from when I
first broke into broadcasting. I was drinking whiskey sours with Walter
Winchell in New York. He was a legend, I was a legend-in-training. So,
anyway, we're drinking these wonderful concoctions (which you could get
for a nickel back in those days!) and Walter has this adorable cocktail
waitress sitting on his lap. Well, to make a short story long, his wife
comes in (A lovely lady, taken before her time. Full of life. I would have
bet her to outlast us all.) So, she just goes nuts. "You rapscallion!" she
says to Walter. "Rapscallion," by the way, was a much more common phrase back
then than it is now. Where was I? Oh yes, so Walter says... and I'll never
forget this, "Why my dear, she was tired from being on her feet, so I wanted
to give her a lift." Well, sir, the table just erupted in gales of laughter!
Later, they explained to me what he meant, because of course I was young
and naive then.
I guess what I'm trying to say is... oh, sugar! What was the question again?