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Nigerian Offers $30 Million to
Damn Near Anyone to Via E-mail




FROM: KEVIN WICKART
TO: HAJIA MARIAM ABACHA
RE: CRY FOR HELP!

>FROM: HAJIA MARIAM ABACHA
>TO: MY GOOD FRIEND
>SUBJECT: A CRY FOR HELP!
>
>Dear friend,


We've been over this before, Hajia... why is it I am only your "good" and "dear" friend when you are in trouble? We never get together for drinks any more.

>Following the sudden death of my husband, Late General
>Sanni Abacha, the former head of state of the federal
>republic of Nigeria in June 1998...


I hardly consider your calculated poisoning of Sanni as "sudden," though I expect it was for him--once he stopped twitching and gurgling, anyway. Now I remember *why* we never get together for drinks.

>I have been thrown into a state of utter confusion,
>frustration and hopelessness by the present civilian
>administration.


I suspect less the current administration and more your penchant for mixing Drambuie and Darvocet. Lie down for a couple of weeks, darling, and you'll feel much better.

>Security agents in Nigeria have subjected me to physical
>and psychological tortures.


You are, of course, referring to the replacement of your chauffeured Rolls with a mere Lincoln Town Car. Hardly in the same league as truncheons to the feet, presh.

>One of my sons is still under detention as well as
>arraigned before a Federal High Court of Nigeria for an
>offence he did not commit.


In spite of your political leanings, I believe that attempting to insert a polo mallet into the Minister of Finance *is* a federal offence. And you must admit, Hajia, that the videotapes of the incident--not to mention the photographs taken by the National Geographic team--were quite convincing evidence against him. I hate to be one to say "I told you so," but I did suggest repeatedly that the boy would benefit from a few years in an Austrian parochial school.

>And the government has not relented in its efforts
>to completely bring my children and I back to square one.
>This is why I deemed it necessary to act fast by contacting
>anybody abroad for assistance.


Best you contact a proper grammarian for instruction, my sweet, lest you be mistaken for a plebian. It is "my children and *me*." How many times must we go over this?

>Furthermore, due to the security network placed on
>my daily activities I cannot afford to visit any embassy
>for a possible solution


Ah, yes, the embassies are always the first to turn a cold shoulder when one falls from favor.

>hence I have decided to contact you and I do
>hope you will be the person God is going to use


I fear that the only use to which the Creator intends to put me is as an abject lesson.

>to rescue my family and I.

[sigh] I despair. Were you not the only person in all of Africa who knows how to mix a proper Manhattan cocktail, presh, you and I would be "quits" (as they say).

>I have deposited the sum of $30 million dollars in a security
>firm abroad as whose name is with held for now for security
>reasons until we fully commence communication.


It wouldn't be Banque Suisse, account #79938, would it? You talk in your sleep, my little nightshade, particularly under the influence of nine glasses of Shiraz.

>I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund
>on my behalf for safekeeping. Adequate arrangement has
>been made for receiving the fund. It is totally risk free.


Thank you, darling, but no. This skirts the very edges of the proper lending of money, which I regard in much the same way as I do alligator wrestling: I am fascinated that others do it, but you'll not find me participating.

>This arrangement is known to you, my brother (who is
>contacting you and I only.


This sentence deserves to be taken out and shot at dawn, as does your brother. But at least he never left a parenthetical clause open for all to see.

>This means that my Lawyer will deal directly with
>you as surveillance is on me. My Lawyer's name is
>BARRISTER ISAAC JACOBS


Ah, yes--the infamous Mister Jacobs. I have no doubt they find him difficult to surveil as he does not photograph and casts no reflection. Please do not have him contact me, or I shall be forced to drive a stake through his heart.

>You are entitled to 30% of the total sum. I hope to
>invest a proportion of the balance in your country.


I do not need the money, and my country would only squander it. Better you should live in the street, dear heart, than to parade your monetary woes before your rapidly-dwindling circle of friends. Do what you will with the money, presh, and damn the government's collective eyes. If you are wise you will take your remaining funds and enroll as a Liberal Arts student in some small struggling university where wearing a beret is considered haute couture. And while you are there, please, *please* learn to use the damned language.

Never again darken my inbox with discussions of money. The practice is vulgar in the extreme, as you well know, and if you do so again I shall certainly be moved to commit mayhem.

Very sincerely,
Kevin

(Reported by Kevin Wickart)





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