Report: Arafat Killed by Botched Surgery
PARIS (DPI) - Private records regarding former Palestinian President
Yasser Arafat's medical care show his recent death was caused
by complications from a routine surgery for a Charlie horse.
Surgeon Francois Trudeau of Paris Regional Medical Center admitted
to accidentally touching the side of the incision opening while
attempting to remove the aforementioned problem equine. "Yes,
mistakes were made during the operation," Dr. Trudeau said. "But in my own
defense, those tweezers are a bitch to work with." Doctors were alerted
to Arafat's declining health after he began to suffer profuse
sweating, water on the knee and a persistent ruddy nose.
(Reported by Danny Gallagher, graphic by Tristan Fabriani)
Threat Level Lowered Upon End of Another "Rocktober"
WASHINGTON (DPI) - With another "Rocktober" safely behind us,
Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge lowered the alert level
for the nation's FM radio listeners as of November 15. "Our great
nation has successfully held up through yet another annual assault of
uninterrupted blocks of Aerosmith, Led Zeppelin and Rush," said Ridge.
"Despite 31 straight days of commercial-free, hourly attacks by
has-been hair bands, our great nation has endured."
Ridge concluded by recommending that listeners could
protect themselves from future Rocktobers with plastic
sheeting and duct tape.
(Reported by Chuck Sawyer)
Idle Hockey Players Called Up for Service in Iraq
BAGDAD (DPI) - NHL hockey players idled by the league
lock-out have been called up for duty in Iraq.
Defense Secretary Rumsfeld ordered the players to
report for training and rapid deployment after they
lost their professional sports deferment. Rumsfeld
plans to send the hockey players into Iraqi cities
abandoned by the regular U.S. military, hoping to
confuse Iraqi insurgents into icing the puck or making
other strategic errors. Defenseman Peter Worrel
welcomed the opportunity to drop the gloves during the
league's downtime, but conscientious objector Mario
Lemieux refused to report and was given 10 minutes
in the penalty box and a game suspension.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
Thanksgiving to Be Moved to August 2nd
WASHINGTON (DPI) – With Thanksgiving almost completely overshadowed
by the Christmas season, a bill has been presented to move Thanksgiving
from the fourth Thursday in November to the 2nd of August. The Society
of Americans for an Earlier Thanksgiving began the effort for the date
switch after Thanksgiving last year. SAET's spokesman stated,
"People were hanging their Christmas lights before buying their
Thanksgiving bird, and that's just wrong." The choice of August
was largely the result of it being a tremendously boring month.
Now that the change has been effected, there is talk about
celebrating Halloween two weeks earlier so trick-or-treating
wouldn't interfere with holiday gift shopping.
(Reported byStuart Johnson)
60 Minutes Unleashes Dental Records Bombshell
NEW YORK (DPI) -- 60 Minutes re-opened its campaign to discredit
President George W. Bush's National Guard service this week, airing a
devastating interview with Dr. Norman Thorman, DDS, who says that
dental records previously released by the White House reveal a "deeply flawed"
regimen of oral care. "You can tell a lot about a person by how he
flosses, and these records make it clear that party-boy George was
thinking of other things when he should have been protecting his teeth
and gums." The dentist claimed Bush "failed miserably" with his toothbrush,
leading to the formation of potentially damaging tartar and plaque. 60 Minutes
correspondent Dan Rather closed the report by saying, "The impartial
CBS News staff has no choice but to conclude that you can lead a no-good
fratboy to liquor, but you can't make him floss."
(Reported by Brian Jones, Tristan Fabriani)
New York Introduces New Snowball's Chance in Hell Instant Lottery
ALBANY, New York (DPI) - Forced by State Attorney General Elliott Spitzer to
adhere to new truth-in-advertising laws, the New York State Lottery unveiled
several new scratch-off style lottery games today. The popular Easy Money
has been replaced with Snowball's Chance in Hell, Win for Life has been
renamed Kiss Your Two Bucks Goodbye, and Winner Take All is now known as
You're Fucking Dreaming. Lottery officials also announced the soon-to-be-released
Desperate, Pathetic Losers series, which will include new games such as
Behind on My Child Support Payments, Drank the Rent Money, and Gotta Pay Off My Bookie.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
Arafat Posthumously Awarded Nobel Death Prize
Sears-Kmart to Become Crapco
Peterson Trial Enters "I Don't Give a Shit Anymore" Phase
Rampaging Harlem Globetrotter Pummels Six-Year-Old
South Rises Again, Gets Beer, Sits Back Down
Tara Reid Exposes Boob -- and It Wasn't Carson Daily!
Freshly Neutered Cat Putting on Slightly Less Attitude
Claus Subject of Anti-Semitism Probe
My New Monster Prickburger (tm) Now Available
Bush: "The Nation Has Given Me a Manwich"
Shell-Shocked Democrats Retreat Further Into West Wing Fantasies
Fight Looms as Bush Eyes Judge Aborty McTurnback for Supreme Court
Liberals Hauled From Their Beds at Gunpoint and Forced to Pay Fewer Taxes
Where Are They Now: Deaniacs Return to Organic Vegetable Aisle
GOP to Dems: It'll Hurt Less If You Just Try to Enjoy It
Healing to Begin Right After We All Get In That Last Partisan Shot
A Democrat Guide to Grieving
Vice President Dick Cheney's Letter of Thanks to Voters
Mittens Has Your Answers Right Here
The Bronx vs. The Hague
Where Can I Get Some Cheap Viagra or Cialis?
Wood Shop Can Be Fun, Says Thumbless Man
NOVI, Mich. (DPI) - Many kids have a mistaken
impression of wood shop, says Novi Middle School shop
teacher Lawrence Hassell. "The fact is, wood shop can
be fun for anyone," says the thumbless teacher. "We
get kids in here of all kinds: girls, athletes, and
some really smart kids too," says Hassell, whose right
thumb is missing from the base of the hand. Hassell
then displayed a shelf full of birdhouses fashioned by
his seventh-grade students. "These kids did a great
job and had a lot of fun," he said, pointing toward
the band saw with one of his nine remaining digits.
"Next week, the lathe!" Hassell stressed that the keys
to a fun wood shop experience are safety and
cleanliness. "Keeping the floor clean of piles of sawdust
is important if you don't want to lose anything," he says.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Innocent Guy at the Palace at Auburn Hills Swears He Didn't Do Anything!
DETROIT (DPI) - Oh, man, that dude over there just threw his drink at
Artest. Damn, that guy is stupid. What a moron. Oh, crap, man -- Artest
is getting up. He is pissed. Holy shit, he's coming into the stands.
This is going to be good, man. He's going to tear that dude a new one.
What... wait... he's coming after... me! Goddamnit, I didn't do anything!
Where can I run?!? Shit! There's nowhere to run! I can't believe this --
I'm about to get my ass kick-- OW! OOOF! UNGHHH. ARRGH. Nnnghh.
(Reported by Mr. Sun)
Daily Probe Ready to Call Fallujah for Bush
Mount St. Helens Develops New Hot Spot
SEATTLE - Active volcano Mount St. Helens has sprouted a huge lobe measuring
250 feet wide by 900 feet in length. The lobe, which has risen to over 300
feet high, is a hot, sensitive region that scientists believe to be the
volcano's clitoris. "We're not entirely sure about this, because most of us
have never seen anything like this before," said vulcanologist James
Wexhall. "Nonetheless, we're taking appropriate precautions. Access is
severely restricted, and direct exploration of the lobe is restricted to
short sample gathering missions." Geochemist Sandra McIntyre, however,
scoffed at her male colleagues' caution and their notion that too many
scientists walking around the area might trigger another major eruption.
"Sure," she commented. "Like *that's* gonna happen."
(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)
CORRECTION: The Daily Probe reported recently
that Condoleezza Rice's recent surgery reminds us that
she is the first secretary of state (or nominee) with
a uterus. Several astute readers pointed out that
former Secretary of State Madeleine Albri-- AUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!!
(Reported by Steve Meckleburg)