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11/23/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Poll Still Life With Joan Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Thanksgiving to Be Moved to August 2nd WASHINGTON (DPI) – With Thanksgiving almost completely overshadowed by the Christmas season, a bill has been presented to move Thanksgiving from the fourth Thursday in November to the 2nd of August. The Society of Americans for an Earlier Thanksgiving began the effort for the date switch after Thanksgiving last year. SAET's spokesman stated, "People were hanging their Christmas lights before buying their Thanksgiving bird, and that's just wrong." The choice of August was largely the result of it being a tremendously boring month. Now that the change has been effected, there is talk about celebrating Halloween two weeks earlier so trick-or-treating wouldn't interfere with holiday gift shopping. (Reported byStuart Johnson) 60 Minutes Unleashes Dental Records Bombshell NEW YORK (DPI) -- 60 Minutes re-opened its campaign to discredit President George W. Bush's National Guard service this week, airing a devastating interview with Dr. Norman Thorman, DDS, who says that dental records previously released by the White House reveal a "deeply flawed" regimen of oral care. "You can tell a lot about a person by how he flosses, and these records make it clear that party-boy George was thinking of other things when he should have been protecting his teeth and gums." The dentist claimed Bush "failed miserably" with his toothbrush, leading to the formation of potentially damaging tartar and plaque. 60 Minutes correspondent Dan Rather closed the report by saying, "The impartial CBS News staff has no choice but to conclude that you can lead a no-good fratboy to liquor, but you can't make him floss." (Reported by Brian Jones, Tristan Fabriani) New York Introduces New Snowball's Chance in Hell Instant Lottery ALBANY, New York (DPI) - Forced by State Attorney General Elliott Spitzer to adhere to new truth-in-advertising laws, the New York State Lottery unveiled several new scratch-off style lottery games today. The popular Easy Money has been replaced with Snowball's Chance in Hell, Win for Life has been renamed Kiss Your Two Bucks Goodbye, and Winner Take All is now known as You're Fucking Dreaming. Lottery officials also announced the soon-to-be-released Desperate, Pathetic Losers series, which will include new games such as Behind on My Child Support Payments, Drank the Rent Money, and Gotta Pay Off My Bookie. (Reported by Miles Walker) |
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 Arafat Posthumously Awarded Nobel Death Prize Sears-Kmart to Become Crapco Peterson Trial Enters "I Don't Give a Shit Anymore" Phase Rampaging Harlem Globetrotter Pummels Six-Year-Old South Rises Again, Gets Beer, Sits Back Down Tara Reid Exposes Boob -- and It Wasn't Carson Daily! Freshly Neutered Cat Putting on Slightly Less Attitude Claus Subject of Anti-Semitism Probe My New Monster Prickburger (tm) Now Available  Bush: "The Nation Has Given Me a Manwich" Shell-Shocked Democrats Retreat Further Into West Wing Fantasies Fight Looms as Bush Eyes Judge Aborty McTurnback for Supreme Court Liberals Hauled From Their Beds at Gunpoint and Forced to Pay Fewer Taxes Where Are They Now: Deaniacs Return to Organic Vegetable Aisle GOP to Dems: It'll Hurt Less If You Just Try to Enjoy It Healing to Begin Right After We All Get In That Last Partisan Shot  A Democrat Guide to Grieving Vice President Dick Cheney's Letter of Thanks to Voters  Mittens Has Your Answers Right Here The Bronx vs. The Hague Where Can I Get Some Cheap Viagra or Cialis?  Wood Shop Can Be Fun, Says Thumbless Man NOVI, Mich. (DPI) - Many kids have a mistaken impression of wood shop, says Novi Middle School shop teacher Lawrence Hassell. "The fact is, wood shop can be fun for anyone," says the thumbless teacher. "We get kids in here of all kinds: girls, athletes, and some really smart kids too," says Hassell, whose right thumb is missing from the base of the hand. Hassell then displayed a shelf full of birdhouses fashioned by his seventh-grade students. "These kids did a great job and had a lot of fun," he said, pointing toward the band saw with one of his nine remaining digits. "Next week, the lathe!" Hassell stressed that the keys to a fun wood shop experience are safety and cleanliness. "Keeping the floor clean of piles of sawdust is important if you don't want to lose anything," he says. (Reported by Travis Ruetenik) Innocent Guy at the Palace at Auburn Hills Swears He Didn't Do Anything! DETROIT (DPI) - Oh, man, that dude over there just threw his drink at Artest. Damn, that guy is stupid. What a moron. Oh, crap, man -- Artest is getting up. He is pissed. Holy shit, he's coming into the stands. This is going to be good, man. He's going to tear that dude a new one. What... wait... he's coming after... me! Goddamnit, I didn't do anything! Where can I run?!? Shit! There's nowhere to run! I can't believe this -- I'm about to get my ass kick-- OW! OOOF! UNGHHH. ARRGH. Nnnghh. (Reported by Mr. Sun) Daily Probe Ready to Call Fallujah for Bush 
Mount St. Helens Develops New Hot Spot SEATTLE - Active volcano Mount St. Helens has sprouted a huge lobe measuring 250 feet wide by 900 feet in length. The lobe, which has risen to over 300 feet high, is a hot, sensitive region that scientists believe to be the volcano's clitoris. "We're not entirely sure about this, because most of us have never seen anything like this before," said vulcanologist James Wexhall. "Nonetheless, we're taking appropriate precautions. Access is severely restricted, and direct exploration of the lobe is restricted to short sample gathering missions." Geochemist Sandra McIntyre, however, scoffed at her male colleagues' caution and their notion that too many scientists walking around the area might trigger another major eruption. "Sure," she commented. "Like *that's* gonna happen." (Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart) CORRECTION: The Daily Probe reported recently that Condoleezza Rice's recent surgery reminds us that she is the first secretary of state (or nominee) with a uterus. Several astute readers pointed out that former Secretary of State Madeleine Albri-- AUUUGGGGGHHHH!!!! MY EYES!!!!!!! (Reported by Steve Meckleburg) |
by complications from a routine surgery for a Charlie horse.
Surgeon Francois Trudeau of Paris Regional Medical Center admitted
to accidentally touching the side of the incision opening while
attempting to remove the aforementioned problem equine. "Yes,
mistakes were made during the operation," Dr. Trudeau said. "But in my own
defense, those tweezers are a bitch to work with." Doctors were alerted
to Arafat's declining health after he began to suffer profuse
sweating, water on the knee and a persistent ruddy nose.
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 | Study: Nearly Every Fucking Thing Says "Old Navy" On It | ||
| NBA's Artest Claims "Diplomatic Illumity and Shit" | ||
| Sales of Ringo's Albums Skyrocket on News of Arafat Death | ||
| Martha Stewart Claims "Cruel and Unusual Punishment" Over 2:00 pm Tee Time | ||
| Spongebob Movie Opens Second at Box Office as Nation's Stoners Sleep Through Weekend | ||
| First-Time Parent Photographs Poop | ||
| Anthropologists Trace Origin of the Courtesy Flush to 18th Century Hapsburg Empire | ||
| Tucker Carlson Lifting Weights in Anticipation of Stewart Rematch | ||
| Heroin Mule Busted at JFK: "That Was My Cousin's Rectum!" | ||
| Bossanova Blamed | ||
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