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11/23/04 Front Page Features Ain't That America? Ask Zarxnol McQuigly & Moss Moth's Diary Musing With Mitch Newsmakers Say the Darndest Things! Probe Poll Still Life With Joan Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! |
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Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty! 
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Ask Zarxnol
Xargolia before being called to the service of his Warrior-God Xargol as a conqueror of lesser worlds, Zarxnol happilly adresses the child-raising concerns of our readers. |
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Dear Zarxnol, My 4-year-old son Cody is obsessed with wearing dresses. He has been interested in dresses since he could talk. At first, I thought he just wanted to be like his older sister, but now he wants to wear them all the time. It is very painful for Cody when I make him wear boy clothes out of the house. He cries when he is refused wearing a dress, and I find it deeply troubling. I do not want to hurt him or interfere with Cody's true identity, but I don't want him to be an outcast with other little boys. What should I do? Perplexed in Portland Perplexed: I fail to see the problem of Cody's desire to wear these "'dresses."' I personally deplore the donning of so-called "'boy clothes"' -- most decidedly the undergarments -- as they ferociously ensnare the hairs on my scrotum. The unyielding death-grip of elastic on one's pubies and the bane that is the male-exclusive phenomenon colloquially entitled "'sackbunch"' are experiences I advocate to no one. Cody is truly wise beyond his years -- his foreknowledge of the genital persecution that is effecting apparel culturally accepted as masculine is impressive, indeed. Truly, Perp, many cultures on this planet have no quarrel with their males wearing long, flowing vestments which do not bite one's balls -- therefore, logic dictates that you are either ignorant of this fact, or foolishly convinced that your culture is superior to those which are more sensibly clothed. Although your case is most certainly the former, I shall address the latter for the sake of my greater readership. Since nearly all the letters I receive are written in that lingual blight known as English, it is apparent that you addled slaves-to-be are adherents to the so-called "'Western"' culture. You are most competitive which has led to technological superiority over other Earthly cultures, however to get five of you nimrods in a room and have all agree on a goal is tantamount to using a fish for a serviceable football. All of you are so convinced of your own intellectual supremacy that you flatly refuse to consider the input of another... except when you ask a Xargolian conqueror-in-waiting what to do when L'il Lexed wants to feel pretty, of course. Supercilious dullards! So blinded by your unmerited arrogance are you that you fail to see the voluminous evidence contradicting your inflated self-opinions! Because you can change television channels while devouring mounds of pre-packaged pork rinds in your recliners simultaneously, you Westerners feel you are the unquestionable masters of this planet! Astounding nigh to the point of stupefaction! Well, I say continue to thump your hollow, surly chests and wave your farcical foam fingers in the air -- the louder and more garishly garbed you are, the easier you will be for my Armies From The Sea to find and extirpate! The unforgiving vise-grip that your freshly bedewed tighty-whiteys will take upon your testicles will serve as but an appetizer to the unending feast of torment which is your fate! Regards, Zarxnol Dear Zarxnol, I can't keep my 2-year-old son out of the dog's food! I've tried scolding, explaining, time-out -- nothing has worked. I installed a "'doggie door"' on the laundry room door and began feeding the dog in there, but next thing I knew, my son had crawled through the doggie door and was in there eating right next to the dog. What should I do? Rattled in Raleigh Rattled: Until your son's teeth are fully formed, purchase only soft or semi-soft dog food. The "'Gravy Train"' brand and its hoary legion of facile imitators serve this end most admirably. Also be sure to put out enough food so your canine companion is willing to share, else he will get protective of his dish and urinate upon it. At long last, one of you pathetic pink primates has a child with a modicum of self-sufficiency! All praise to Xargol -- never did I think I would see this day come! Regards, Zarxnol |
(Translated by Carl Knorr)
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