CURRENT ISSUE 11/25/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Frank Haskins Globetrotting With Push Musing with Mitch Moth's Diary Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!

The Press Needs to Rethink Its Focus on Jackson A guest Probeatorial by High School Freshman Tiffany Anders Like, oh my God, this week the news and the TV shows were just all about Michael Jackson getting arrested for screwing around with some little kids, but shouldn't, like, the news shows like Dan Ratter or whatever he's called focus on more important stuff going on in today's society? I mean, it's not like Michael Jackson's popular or anything. I don't know anyone who listens to any of his songs or thinks he's cool. Actually, he's kinda creepy. I mean, like, his face is all white and he wears more lipstick than Debby Bynam when she took Roland the Geek to the prom last year. She is like such a total desperate whore. But the thing is there's more important stuff, like, the press could be focusing on. Nobody cares about, like, Michael Jackson anyway. Stuff like how Trista and Ryan's wedding is going after they hooked up on that show that comes after 8 Simple Rules on Thursday. I mean, she is like so obsessed with pink. Is there anything at this wedding that isn't going to be pink? She's like going to make Ryan wear a pink tuxedo. Or what about Ben and J.Lo? I mean, oh my God, they were popular for like two weeks and then we don't hear about them anymore. And I know I shouldn't say this, but I think J.Lo is, like, really cute. I mean, I'm not a lesbian, but if I were, I'd totally want her. Totally. They could even do a story on Christina Aguilera on why she dresses up like such a skank now. I really liked her music, like, when she first came out. She was sweet and pretty. Now she looks like a hooker with a bad perm. Why can't the news do a story on that? The media totally doesn't understand what the people want or need to hear stuff about. We don't need to know about what Jackson does with little boys. We need to know about how J.Lo is in bed. I'll bet she's, like, the best. Not that I care. (Transcribed by Danny Gallagher)

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