[an error occurred while processing this directive]
CURRENT ISSUE 11/25/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Frank Haskins Globetrotting With Push Musing with Mitch Moth's Diary Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Globetrotting with Push With your host, Raji "Push" Pushparajah Santa Barbara's Finest In town for the world-famous Santa Barbara Daisy Show, I managed to get myself pickpocketed. And one just cannot be without funds when there are so many delightful daisy cookbooks to be purchased as stocking stuffers. So on Thursday, I made my way to the Santa Barbara police station. I guess the criminal element must have found the Daisy Show to be quite the stalking grounds, because the line to get into the station stretched for many blocks. Just as I pulled my SUV around to a back entrance and started to exit my vehicle, I was crushed to the pavement by hundreds of entertainment reporters who seemed to have mistaken me for someone named Michael. I tried to explain that I had no idea what child they were talking about, and that I was there to report something being lifted out of my pants, but that apparently only piqued their interest. I nearly suffocated from the numerous microphones thrust into my face, and I tried again to explain that somebody put his hands down my pants and I wanted the rapscallion brought down in front of me. Soon I found myself in a holding cell, where a lawyer mentioned something about multiple charges and repeat offender, and not a word to me about how I was to get my pocket-stuffer back. Though the police seemed quite disappointed with my appearance when I finally made my way inside, they soon enough took my report and escorted me hurriedly back outside, where once again I was trampled upon by a furious storm of reporters. There must have been enormous interest in the Daisy Show, as I awoke in the hospital later that night just in time to see myself over and over on the evening news. How delightful! (Transcribed by Slick Sharkey)
[an error occurred while processing this directive]