CURRENT ISSUE 11/26/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? To-Do List: Winona Ryder Moth's Diary Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Baptists Celebrate Potter's Box Office Disappointment CAMPBELL CREEK, Ga. (DPI) In a press conference outside the Campbell Creek Baptist Church, Rev. James Whorley claimed victory in his fight against the Harry Potter series of films and books, as evidenced by the "lackluster" box office performance of Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets this past weekend. "The first film in this infernal, satanic series grossed $90.3 million on its opening weekend last year," said an elated Whorley. "Now, thanks to our efforts and the efforts of like-minded Baptists nationwide, the second film has only managed to gross $87.7 million! The God-fearing Baptists of America have managed to rob Satan of $2.6 million." Whorley went on to characterize the film's box-office disappointment as "disastrous and pathetic, really. It just goes to prove that a few hundred Fundamentalist Baptists scattered across the nation can bring the producers of this blasphemous series of books and movies -- which we have never stooped low enough to read or watch ourselves -- to their knees!" The minister then noted that if the trend keeps up, the next installment, Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, slated for a June 2004 release, could gross as little as $85.1 million when it debuts. "Heads will roll at Warner Brothers when that happens, let me tell you," he chuckled. Turning serious, he said, "The first film went on to gross over $900 million worldwide. Based on my projections, this second installment will not be able to gross $885 million. This should send a clear message to those who would poison our children's minds: We're winning." Whorley then quickly ended the press conference, as he didn't want to be late for the matinee showing of Half Past Dead. (Reported by Greg Preece)
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