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12/2/03

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Advice from Strangers


This Week's Guest:
Eric Cartman


Dear Eric,

Things are bad. I've got all these bills to pay and there's not enough money to cover it all. I'm thinking about asking for federal assistance but am worried it's going to get out eventually that I'm not strong enough to take care of myself. What should I do?

Broke in Boise


Dear Broke,

Hey, quit yer bitchin! You need to stop whining like a little bitch and go to college and get a job! Being poor totally sucks ass just like Kenny except his dad's an alcoholic. Are you an alcoholic too?

Eric Cartman



Dear Eric,

I'm having problems with an overbearing wife. I don't think I'm a wimp but this woman controls my every move. She even beats me up. All women seem to control me. What can I do?

Battered in Boston


Dear Dumbass,

I would never ever let a woman control me like that. If she tried, I'd be like, HEY! You get your bitch ass over here in the kitchen and make me some dinner! If some sissy chick tried to tell me what to do, I'd say, hey, missy, go knit me a sweater before I slap you in the face.

Cartman



Dear Eric,

I hear whales are mammals. I hear they are very intelligent and friendly. Is this True?

Fish Lover


Dear Asshole Fish person,

Intelligent and friendly with mustard on a bun.

Cartman


(Transcribed by Danny Gallagher and Jeff Rabinowitz)




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