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December 2, 2003

The Daily Probe is, um... taking some time off for the holidays.
Yeah, that's the ticket!

Blow to Head Reminds Man of Anniversary

CARLSBAD, Va. (DPI) - For the 10th straight year, Stan Carter forget his wedding anniversary. "I'm so busy this time of year, it just slipped my mind," Carter said yesterday. But his wife, Joan, wasn't buying it. "He forgets every year. I guess it's not important to him," she said. "I've tried all kinds of subtle hints, but he never responds, which is why I decided to smack him over the head with a frying pan this year. Maybe this will work. if not, next year I'm using the gun." Stan Carter is listed in Stable condition at an area hospital.

(Reported by Jeff Rabinowitz)

Bush Serves Turkey to Military

Japanese Toilet Baffled by Western Ass

TOKYO (DPI) - A high-tech Japanese toilet expressed confusion today about the seemingly random series of commands sent to it by a visiting American, Japan's NHK News reported today. According to the service log for TOTO SCX-10 Model Cleanaire toilet 863367-2, situated on the 22nd floor of Tokyo's New Otani Hotel, the Westerner first tried to operate the bidet before sitting on the unit. He followed that with the commands "seat up," "seat down," "seat up," "flush," "increase seat temperature," "bidet," "bidet," "flush," "set clock," "air dryer," "decrease seat temperature," "flush," "bidet," "flush," "autoclean," "flush" and "bidet." Officials at the Osaka headquarters of TOTO Ltd., the manufacturer of the toilet, will spend the next several weeks analyzing and testing the data, hoping to recreate the scenario and figure out what went wrong.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Business Owner Unimpressed With Holiday

LONDON (DPI) - Local business owner Ebenezer Scrooge has announced that any employees wishing to take Dec. 25 off had better show up for work all the earlier the next day.

(Reported by Jody LaFerriere)

Third Eyeballs Abound Amid Turkey Recall

Storm Knocks Out Storm-Predicting Radar

Study: 76% of New Yorkers Urinate in East River, 52% Drink From It

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Seismologists Warn Hollywood Long Overdue for Ground-Shaking Sex Scandal

Report: Wildfires Damaged San Diego's Old-Growth Cul-de-Sacs

Israel Agrees to Stop Pointing Out How Ugly Arafat Is

Fries Not Salty Enough

I'll Have You Know Your Father and I Have a Perfectly Healthy Sex Life

Congressman for Your Mama's Ass Makes Statement

YOUR HOUSE (DPI) - U.S. Congressman Dan Epke, D-Your Mama's Ass, continued his campaign of community action today, urging fellow congressmen to support the Mama So Fat initiative on Capitol Hill. "Yes, people always ask me if the Mama So Fat position actually exists," said Epke from his office in Washington. "But what’s more important is how I can better serve the people of the district I represent." Speaking before a group of House Democratic leaders, Epke called for increased tax credits for low-income homeowners, including those Who House So Small. Epke's controversial fat-ass district comprises significant Democratic supporters from So Ugly and So Dumb constituencies.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

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Fedayeen Finds Sticks & Stones Won't Actually Break Bones

SAMARRA, Iraq (DPI) - Members of Saddam Hussein's Fedayeen militia rethought their strategy earlier this month when, during their protests, American soldiers replied, saying, "Sticks and stones will break our bones but words will never hurt us." Dozens of the militants set up an ambush in the northern village of Samarra, and when a convoy approached began hurling twigs and gravel at the soldiers. The militants, alarmed when their attacks did little more than chip a windshield on a five-ton truck, were shocked when the soldiers answered with a measured response consisting of machine guns, cannons and tank fire.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)