CURRENT ISSUE 12/2/03 Front Page Weekly Features Advice From Strangers Ain't That America? Globetrotting With Push Musing With Mitch Moth's Diary Info Previous Issues Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!

I'll Have You Know Your Father and I Have a Perfectly Healthy Sex Life A guest Probeatorial by By Your Mother Come right back here, young lady, I know what you're trying to do, locking yourself up in your room. Tonight it's going to be just YOU and ME in a good old-fashioned pow-wow. And I want you to know I'm very angry. I understand that condoms are all the big thing at schools nowadays, but don't you think that I'm going to look the other way while my own daughter is having sex in MY house! No, don't say it, I don't care. A mother should be able to empty the garbage in her daughter's room and not come across a dirty, filthy condom! You, young lady, are NOT READY for sexual intercourse! You hardly know that boy, for goodness sake! You think, of course, that I'm just speaking to you from what I learned from family help nights at the church. Well, I'll have you know that I'm not entirely "square." I "know what's goin' on." In fact, your father and I have a very healthy and active sex life, thank you very much. In fact, he and I had sexual intercourse just last night! So don't you go rolling your eyes at me, missy, thinking I don't understand what you're up to. You're very lucky we even let you have boys in the house. And you should know that your dad and I enjoy perfectly satisfying and normal sexual relations and never had to resort to pre-marital ejaculation! I hope you're listening to me. Because a life of gonorrhea and sexually transmitted diseases is no way to go through life! Now I hope you've listened, girly, because I'm watching you. OK, fine, you go study for your algebra test, but I'll have you know, I'm watching you, lady. (Transcribed by Travis Ruetenik)

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