Stories and headlines
about "The Quiet Beatle"
Larry Flynt Named Director of Homeland Pornography
At a press conference this morning, President George W. Bush named Larry Flynt chief coordinating official on a national strategy to strengthen and preserve our country's precious supply of domestically produced porn. "We must stand up to this faceless enemy who wishes to disrupt our daily lives, and I intend to see all Americans - ALL -- vicariously gratified to the utmost fulfillment of their raunchiest fantasies, " Flynt said in a hour long address that followed. Publishing industries should gain the most from the announcement, but film and lubricant sectors also stand to benefit. Flynt plans to immediately begin assembling his crack team of advisors.
(Reported by Martin Bredeck, Jim Rosenberg)
Terrorist's Attempt to Hijack Amtrak Train Foiled by Reality
PRINCETON JUNCTION, NJ (DPI) - Suspected terrorist Mohammed bin Hamas hijacked Amtrak's northeast corridor train yesterday with the intention of driving it into the Empire State Building. After conductors explained the mechanics of locomotive travel and the restrictions of rail transit, bin Hamas surrendered the train. Having failed to bring the train to the building, bin Hamas then tried to hijack the building and drive it into Penn Station, leaving only after authorities called building architects to the scene to explain foundation construction. Bin Hamas was last seen on his way to catch the Staten Island Ferry.
(Reported by Slick Sharkey)
"Best By:" Date Results in Unwarranted Optimism, Death
EAST LANSING, MI (DPI) - Local schoolboy Danny Carlysle was killed in a fiery explosion when his colon rejected the Dannon Danimals(tm) Drinkables his mother Karyn provided him for lunch. Mrs. Carlysle, who purchased the yogurt drink food at the Food Club Warehouse store, has been arrested on negligence charges for blatantly ignoring the "best if used by" dates, thus creating dairy landmines. Ironically, Danny was said to favor the "Strawberry Explosion" drinks, which in fact is what caused his demise on the playground last Tuesday. On the plus side, Danny will no longer be required to attend gym class.
(Reported by Jody LaFerriere, John Mozena)
Cavemen Discovered in Afghan Mountains
KONDUZ, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - The Taliban regime has startled the scientific community with the discovery of four male hominids living in a network of caves, possibly sealed off from humanity for thousands of years. Even more startling was that the four had language, knew basic agricultural principles, and were armed to the teeth in advanced weaponry. Additionally, one of the hominids bore a striking resemblance to fugitive Osama bin Laden. Taliban scientists have invited the world's leading anthropologists to observe the creatures labeled homo Osama, to certify that the creatures have absolutely nothing in common with the rest of humanity.
(Reported by Michael Sheinbaum)
Bin Laden Declares Jihad Against Late Night Drummer Weinberg
KANDAHAR, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - Terrorist mastermind Osama bin Laden has announced a jihad against Late Night With Conan O'Brien drummer Max Weinberg. Whether bin Laden protests Weinberg's Jewish heritage, his background with Bruce Springsteen's salacious "E Street Band," or the drummer's lack of a lumberjack beard remains to be seen, but bin Laden claims that "Weinberg's drum solo in Born to Run was a clear attack against Islam." "Bin Laden may be running out of Arab-world conflicts to exploit for political gain," said Johns Hopkins professor Fouad Ajami. "Now he's hitting pop targets." Ajami's fears are confirmed by bin Laden's videotaped assertion that "that pathetic Monsters, Inc. is a clear sign that we must destroy California! "
(Reported by Peter Rogers)
France Surrenders to Taliban
Robert Downey, Jr. Tests Positive for Tryptophan
Halls Decked by Bough-Wielding Thugs
Greenspan Questioned About Interest Rate Dartboard
Target Employee Urged to Dial 2187 Please, 2187
Chex Cereal Names George Clooney "Chexiest Man Alive"
Cat, Toddler Detained in Carpet Stain Inquiry
The Gap Breaks Supertramp Nonproliferation Treaty
Dude Returns Dell; Steven Keeps Dude's Mom's Panties
ESPN's Berman Out 3-4 Weeks with Torn Nickname Ligament
Study Shows Yo' Mama is Fat, Stupid
Daily Probe Challenge:
Match the Dudes to Their Dells
Gore Set to Run in Afghan Presidential Race
ISLAMABAD, AFGHANISTAN (DPI) - In a press conference today, former Vice-President and current college professor Al Gore officially announced his candidacy in the upcoming Afghan presidential election. "People of Afghanistan," Gore intoned, "I have heard your call and I stand before you as my own man. With your help and by the will of Allah, I shall lead you to a glorious world of cable tv, regularly cleaned and maintenanced Port-O-Sans and flowing fields of poppies all across this glorious land." Commented one spectator: "He's very presidential with his wooden appearance and fine beard. Afghanistan needs more Gore! Gore in 2002!"
(Reported by Mark Niebuhr)
Forgotten Performers Remembered, Forgotten
BURBANK, CA (DPI) - Anna Maria Alberghetti was inducted into the Performers Nobody Can Remember Hall of Fame last weekend. The Hall, located next door to the Hollywood Squares Museum, honors formerly-famous-and-forgotten stars from sports and the performing arts and as far as anybody knows, consists of hundreds of individual exhibits. Alberghetti, whose 49-year career includes eleven movies, was also the guest of honor at a reception attended by previous obscure inductees. Other inductees, who may or may not have attended the event, were: Shields & Yarnell, David Frye, the 1910 Fruitgum Company, and that black ventriloquist who used to be on Carson at least once a month.
(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)
Admiral Stufflebeem Joins Village People
WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - Afghanistan War hero Rear Admiral John "Boomer" Stufflebeem announced Monday that he is leaving the military in order to pursue his first love -- show business. A Village People fan for years, Boomer was stunned when the group extended an invitation to him to join. "This is nifty! I can't wait to do In the Navy!" said Boomer, whose onstage persona will be -- of course -- The Admiral.
(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)
Dumb Stupid Daily Probe Reporter Loses Bet
HONOLULU, HI (DPI) - I am a big dumb stupid idiot who smells. I like to pick my nose and eat the boogers and I walk around going "Duh! Duh! Duuuuh!" I am so stupid. The Minnesota Vikings are the best football team in the whole world, and Daily Probe reporter Ross Brown is a really cool awesome guy. I wish I could be like Ross, but I am too dumb and stupid.
(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)
Local Teen Releases 2nd Quarter Yearnings
NEW YORK, NY (DPI) - Local teen Michael Feldstein today released his Second Quarter Yearnings by taking a 15-minute bathroom break with the door locked. After watching a new episode of Baywatch, which was followed by "Party of Five" on the Lifetime channel, Feldstein felt the timing was right to release yearnings. Feldstein yearnings are up 25% over 2nd Quarter 1997 due to the addition of Michelle Drake to his 4th period Economics class. "Michelle is an important new part of my Yearnings Portfolio, and I expect many great returns." What he actually meant by "returns" was not known. Feldstein's Mom, reached for comment, only wanted to know, "Is he alright in there?"
(Reported by Christopher Troise)
|¤||Postal Service Warns Anthrax Must Be Mailed by December 12 for Guaranteed Christmas Delivery|
|¤||Madman Crazy Mad, Mad Crazy|
|¤||A Nation Wonders: Can We Take This Flag Shit Off Our Cars Yet?|
|¤||NRA Warns: If We Outlaw Biological Weapons, Only Terrorists Will Have Them|
|¤||Grandkids' Holiday Message: Aren't You Dead Yet?|
|¤||X-Box, Good Christian Men in Short Supply This Holiday Season|
|¤||Officals Report Another Confirmed Case of Amtraks on America's Railways|
|¤||"The Paid-Up Subscriber" Named Time's Person of the Year|
|¤||Jared Caught Supersizing It|
|¤||Ashcroft Demands Santa Surrender List of "Naughty" Afghans|
|¤||Reno: Return Bin Laden To His Father|
|¤||Afghanistan Never Fully Free Till It's Zestfully Free|
|¤||Illuminati Announce Next Year's Secret Powerbase, Thank Public for Years of Unsuspecting Support|
|¤||Foodie Gathering Spoiled by Rampaging Boozies|
|¤||Fanboy Consumer Crushed that Lego "Millennium Falcon" Difficult to Find|
|¤||Ferrari Purchase Increases Ego, Penis Remains Unaffected|
|¤||Catholic Schoolgirl Confused By Attention Given To Her By Middle Aged Men|
|¤||"This Time, It's Personal," Cites Wounded Ex-Cop With Enormous Handgun|
|¤||Teen's Midnight Boombox Serenade Foiled by Tired Arms, Police|
|¤||Roommate Standoff Continues as Expired Milk in Fridge Reaches Six Month Mark|
|¤||Anthrax Scare Tapers Off; Congress Approves $25 Billion Bailout for Cipro Industry|
|¤||Surprise! Formerly-Savvy Guy's Excrement Now Worth More than His 8 Million Shares of Enron Stock|
|¤||Porn Industry Weighs Potential of Harry Potter as Porn Star Name|
|¤||Calista Flockhart "Kinda Chubby" in Real Life, Cites Chubby Co-Worker|
|¤||Maxim Magazine's Hottest Babes On TV Article Wins Pulitzer Prize for Journalism|
|¤||Doctors: Dangerfield "Not as Funny In Person" Begging For Life|
|¤||Once-Cool "Thick as a Brick" Ruined Forever by Lexus Ad|
|¤||X-Files Not Even Trying To Make Sense Anymore|
|¤||Music Critic Paul Hume Dies at 85; Death Described as Trite, Forced|
|¤||Elderly Couple Gives Up on Series 24|
|¤||Radio Slowly Replacing Bad Patriotic Songs With Bad Christmas Carols|
|¤||FOX's Copulation Island Eliminates Reality Show Pretense Entirely|
|¤||Hackers Exploit Security Loophole to Penetrate Bill Gates's Wife|
|¤||Hubble Space Telescope Locates Gas Giant Orbiting Wilkes-Barre, PA Krispy Kreme|
|¤||NASA Upgrades Actress Jennifer Lopez's Ass to Asteroid|
|¤||Extasy Network Buys Weather Channel; Forecast Hot, Wet|
|¤||Researchers Close to Understanding Adam Sandler's Success|
|¤||Falwell Blames Raider Loss on Excessive Ass-Patting|
|¤||Professional Athlete Dances, Prances to Commemorate Satisfactory Performance of Highly Compensated Job|
|¤||Study Finds Winter Olympics Television Commercials 246% Better than Actual Olympics|
or whenever we damn well feel like it.
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