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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone
What's up? Today's movie review is Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Okay, so I said
like last week that I didn't know of any like big new movies that are out
right now, and I'm sure you can totally imagine my surprise when I got
like several emails totally calling me names for like not knowing that
fucking Harry Potter was just released and is like the biggest fucking
movie ever or some shit. But hey, I'm like "whatever" and people can
email me and call me names all they want -- I totally don't give a shit
about it. But I gotta say that British movies and British comedy are like
the fucking worst shit ever, man. This kid named Dennis back in high
school would like totally quote from Monty Python all the fucking time,
like "Ooore the Brit-uns?" and "Ni! Ni! Ni!" and shit. We just totally
wanted to punch this kid, totally. So me and my best friend Dobie and our
buddy Geezer get totally baked one night and we figure we'll like totally
get this kid, right, so we like came up with the idea of like hiding
Geezer in the kid's locker and like totally scaring the shit out of Dennis
when he opens it, and then getting the whole thing on video (the lockers
are totally big and Geezer's like five-foot-nothing -- it totally made
sense at the time.) So we get his locker combo from this chick Emily (who
I always totally wanted to nail) who had it like the year before and we
lock Geezer in there and get the video all set, right? But then Mr. Parker
comes and hassles us (we like "borrowed" the camera from A/V) and me and Dobie
have to go to the office and then we totally get sent home for the day,
plus we find out that this kid Dennis is like sick that day, plus we can't
tell them about Geezer or he's in total deep shit too. Anyhow, long story
short, we sneak in like after school and get Geezer out like seven hours
later, and he didn't piss himself or nothing (but was totally pissed) and
me and Dobie didn't get like expelled or nothing but I'm sure you can see
why I hate that British shit so totally bad. Bunch of fucking smartasses.
Harry Potter probably totally sucks and British comedy definitely
totally sucks. I give Harry Potter 1 J out of a possible 11 Js.
It's no doubt already at the Cine5. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to everybody who emailed me that I didn't know about
Harry Potter being released: SUCK MY ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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