CURRENT ISSUE 12/3/02 Front Page Weekly Features Advice from Strangers Ain't That America? Frank Haskins Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   Die Another Day It should probably come as no surprise to my loyal sisters that this "franchise" is number one on my hit list of films that are demeaning and degrading to wymyn. Personally, the only possible good thing I can imagine about this newest film is that it is possible that Halle Berry keeps her top on for a change (although many of my students don't see that as a plus). The possibility of having to sit through this ode to the penis stressed me out so badly, in fact, that my irritable bowel syndrome worsened to the point where I could barely sit up straight. I don't care what my mandate is, I shouldn't be forced to sit through a visual depiction of male dominance like this! That's when I realized that now, I don't have to! The government forced me to take on two male interns... why not use them for a change? It's not like they do any work... Jeffrey spends all his time looking in the mirror and Nair-ing his chest, while Kevin spends all of his time in IRC rooms trying to find people to help him hack the Cat Fancy magazine website, so I figured I'd make them work... just like men have forced wymyn to do their bidding for hundreds of years. Yes... it seems the tables are finally turning... yes... they will do my bidding... Sorry. Here's Jeffrey's review. Die Another Day By Jeffrey Forde,Humanities Major Rating: 3 stars Okay? So, like, Professor Higgins asked me if I wanted to review the new Bond flick? And I was all like, of course? Because she's kind of my boss? And I can think of worse things to do than to stare at Pierce Brosnan for two and a half hours? So, like, I'm not really sure what the movie is about, because I was staring deep into Brosnan's eyes the whole time? But as near as I can figure it, Bond is on a mission at the beginning? And he gets caught? And escapes? And then he has to go on another mission that has something to do with the first mission? And he gets help from some good-looking chick? And at the last possible moment, they save the world? And then Bond and the good-looking chick wind up doing it? That might have been the plot of the last Bond movie though. Or the one before that. Or the other 17? So I liked the movie? So I give it 3 stars? But I give Brosnan 4 stars. Because he's gorgeous. And Remington Steele used to be my favorite show when I was a baby because of him. My mom said the only time I stopped crying or playing with her lipstick is when Remington Steele was on. Which is weird, because I was, like, a baby? So maybe I knew? So I guess even though I can't really rate the movie, what I can really rate is all the different guys who played Bond? Pierce Brosnan?: He's adorable. 4 Stars. Timothy Dalton?: Ew. He's all so gruff and serious. But he has nice eyes. 2 Stars. Roger Moore?: I don't think so! He's a million years old? It's like my grandfather saving the world? (Which he says he did, but I don't believe him, because he's senile and stuff.) 1 Star. George Lazenby?: So he was, like, a swimmer or athlete or something? And if he was a swimmer he probably shaved his body. And there's only enough room in Jeffrey-ville for one twink. 1 Star. Sean Connery?: Okay, YUM? I love hairy guys! And he's always been a real grizzly bear! He's hairy like Robin Williams, but he's never made crap like BiCentennial Man. And he's bald now, which is a total turn on. 4 stars. So that's my review? And I hope Professor Higgins likes it? Because I want her to send me to see Solaris next week. Getting course credit to see George Clooney's derriere? Does life get any better?
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