Daily Probe Thaws Alaric the Visigoth
for War On Terrorism Team
LOS ANGELES, CA (DPI) - In a move destined to kick up ratings and send competing
media scurrying for cover, The Daily Probe today announced that Alaric, 5th century
King of the Visigoths and the Internet newspaper's celebrity analyst for the 2000
Bush/Gore campaign, would join their War on Terrorism team. The Daily Probe had been
keeping the barbarian warlord on ice since the resolution of the
presidential election, during which he made a name for himself with his
outspoken criticism of George W. Bush and unwavering -- some would say
fanatical -- support of Al Gore.
Alaric the Visigoth
Alaric wasted no time in heaping criticism on President Bush: "There is
only war and rot," commented the Scourge of Rome. "A true barbarian
warlord seizes what he wants, and wastes no breath on why. Bush the
Furrowed-Browed knows none of this!" Alaric also questioned the motives
behind the Afghan initiative. "Only a fool would seek to plunder a land
two seas and 6 months' march distant. And what does he seek there? Goats?
No, Bush the Babbler seeks not the land of the Afghans. I see the cunning
of Cheney the Bald in this." Alaric concluded, "A worthy barbarian would
have at least sacked Gaul on the way. Gore the Merciless would pillaged
and slaughtered without pity! And the women of Gaul are worthy, if
pungent. But Bush, he is dung!"
(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)