Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger
What's up? Today's movie review is Ocean's Eleven, the new movie
starring George Clooney and Julia Roberts and directed by Steven
Soderbergh, the director of Traffic and Erin Brockovich. I've
totally said it before and I'll like say it again -- I totally don't
get why everybody says Julia's so hot. Have you seen Pretty Woman?
That fucking sucked. Her front teeth alone were totally almost as
big as Richard Gere's whole head. I should like be careful about
picking on Julia too much though in case I like bump into her like at a
big-time Hollywood party or something. Movie critics are like totally
well-respected there but I'm sure some chick's not gonna be like too happy
about like meeting some dude who says she's totally got horse teeth, plus
her bodyguards might totally kick my ass and shit, man -- I got asthma. A
couple bong hits and a few Leinenkugels though and me and Julia would be
like totally best friends.
Anyhow, Ocean's Eleven stars George Clooney as this like con man or
something who wants to like rip off a casino, and then nail Julia Roberts
too or something. If you were George Clooney, right, why would you like
chase Julia Roberts? That guy could get like any chick in Vegas he
totally wanted in like two fucking minutes, but he's gonna chase Julia?
Me and my best friend Dobie went to Vegas a couple years ago and there
were like chicks totally everywhere and they were all super hot. Me and
Dobie don't look like George Clooney or nothing, but we like did ok.
Dobie even got laid but the chick I was bird-dogging totally ditched me at
the Horseshoe downtown, but that's a longer story plus like I probably
shouldn't talk about it -- the casino totally dropped the lawsuit and I
shouldn't like push my luck or anything. I'd totally like to go back but
Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, won't fucking give me my
50 cent raise like I want and I've been like super broke lately. God,
Karen is such a bitch. She knows the gum that dickhead found in his
burger totally wasn't mine. As soon as I get promoted to assistant
manager though, she'll totally have to fucking let up on giving me shit
all the time.
They said Ocean's Eleven doesn't have any nudity or drugs or
nothing, so I just can't recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it
in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 1 J out of a possible 8 Js. So
till next time, see you kids at the flix.
Confidential to Aaron P., Lexington KY: No, YOU FUCKING