CURRENT ISSUE 12/10/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List: Hans Blix Moth's Diary News from Travistan Movie Corner Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Daily Probe Movie Review by Alice Higgins Professor of Wymyn's Studies University of Toronto   Adaptation Rating: 0 stars (out of 5) It's just so typical that a movie like Adaptation can be made, with so much penis-waving splendour, and just because it doesn't have Adam Sandler or Tom Green in it, my fellow movie critics fall all over it, worshipping the film like the giant cock it is. It's enough to make me vomit, until I realize that they aren't so much "colleagues" as they are pathetic souls who happen to share the same job as I, and perhaps being exposed to that much penis has clouded their judgment over time. I've only been reviewing film for a year. Some of these brainwashed tool-tools have been doing it for over 20! Fear not, sisters! I will never fall prey to the penis, you can count on that! Adaptation answered the often-asked question: What could be worse than a movie starring Nicolas Cage? The answer is: A movie starring 2 Nicolas Cages! If you don't believe me, ask Lisa Marie Presley. Cage plays screenwriter Charlie Kaufman, who has been hired to adapt the book The Orchid Thief to the screen. The only problem is that it's almost impossible to adapt, and as a result, he cheats and writes a screenplay about how he can't adapt the novel. Very mature. Cage also plays Charlie's twin brother Donald. Charlie and Donald are about as alike as DeVito and Schwarzenegger in Twins (and Cage is about as convincing). Meanwhile, the radiant Meryl Streep plays the author of the book, who is inexplicably drawn to Chris Cooper, the toothless subject of her book. It's not so much that the movie celebrates the penis (although the pubic hair on Cage's head certainly gets the message across) but the exploitation of the blessed vagina. Orchids feature heavily in the film. We see them blooming, opening their lips like a womyn about to receive the rancid seed of a man. If this isn't a subliminal message, I don't know what is!! It's shameful that the film makers would exploit the sainted vulva to try and keep the pea-brained attention of the men in the audience. The filmmakers, I am told, are the same heathens that brought us Being John Malkovich a few years ago, which was just as bad. Not only was the blessed Sapphic love of two wymyn played for laughs, but at times they needed the penile help of a man to please themselves! Besides, if you can show me a man who looks more like a walking penis than John Malkovich, I'd like to see him. Wait, actually I wouldn't WANT to see him. What I meant was ... blast! I think I'm being brainwashed too! Lilith save me!! To close quickly, the nail in the coffin of this log of a film is the premise. A screenwriter writing himself into a screenplay he's writing? Things like that don't happen in real life. How do they expect people to buy this ridiculous premise? Once again, my sisters, you have been warned!
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