CURRENT ISSUE 12/17/02 Front Page Weekly Features Ain't That America? To-Do List Frank Haskins Moth's Diary Travistan: State of Crisis! Movie Corner Globetrotting with Push Info Archives Crap Shop Who's at Fault? Contact Us! Aye, mateys! Get you some Daily Probe booty!	Auntie Ella's Gift Guide For Guys Hello children! Auntie Ella here to soothe your fevered brows and offer you a cup of my soothing peppermint tea. There, now doesn't that feel better? Take a deep breath and tell Auntie what the problem is. You haven't finished your Christmas shopping yet? You didn't buy your wife a gift and you don't know what to buy? Don't fret, darlings, Auntie Ella will de-Scrooge you and fill you with Christmas cheer. Now first of all, don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to spend lots and lots of money. Don't be afraid that she won't like your gift and will want to exchange it. Because, loves, you get credit whether she likes it or not. You went to the store and you bought something, had the Girl Scouts from Troop 127 wrap it in the middle of the mall, and you remembered to take it out of the trunk of the car. Gracious, that's a lot of work! If she doesn't appreciate this Herculean effort, well, you come right back here to Auntie Ella's and I'll make you a steaming cup of my homemade-from-scratch cocoa. I'll bet she uses the little packages and hot water, eh, loves? Here are some ideas for this year's Christmas gift. You already bring lightness and joy simply for existing, so these gifts will just complete the circle and make you perfect in her eyes. 1. Pink Tourmaline. You know, diamonds are so overrated. Your Auntie has had her fill of itty bitsy little diamonds. For the same price you can buy a gigantic whale of a pink tourmaline, and she's just dumb enough to buy the "It's a huge pink diamond, just like the one Ben gave J.Lo" line. 2. Clothing at least one to two sizes too small. "Luscious, I always tell all the guys that you're a size 4. I can't believe you actually take a 16! There must be something wrong with the clothing industry." 3. A Lexus. She's been watching that damnable commercial for weeks now, seeing the bliss of the beautiful people being surprised with a $40,000 car that they had no hand in picking out. At least try to find out what color interior she prefers before you write the check, though. 4. A case of champagne. "I thought this is what you must use to wash your hair, it's so light and bouncy and perfect." 5. A 14-by-20 portrait of her to hang in your office. "I want to be able to stare at you all day long, every day." There you are, darlings. A little something to give you ideas. But you are so smart that I know you don't even need my meager advice. Now remember, I don't expect you to give me some big expensive gift as a thank you. Something small and expensive will do. (Transcribed by Jody LaFerriere)
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