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12/17/02

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December 17, 2002



Trent Lott Pleads His Case on B.E.T.



Bankrupt United to Cut Back on Excessively Comfortable Flights

CHICAGO (DPI) - United Airlines today announced that it will survive through its bankruptcy period by removing numerous luxurious comforts from its flight operations. According to a company spokesperson, this will mean no more down comforters on the beds in economy class, and the all-you-can-eat seafood buffet will no longer include lobster. In addition, special requests for vegetarian hookers in business class cannot be guaranteed.

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Man Receives Expressed Written Consent of Major League Baseball to Rebroadcast Game

CHICAGO (DPI) - Chicago resident Simon Frank received the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball this week to rebroadcast the Sept. 2 game between the Chicago Cubs and the Florida Marlins. Frank had watched the game alone in his apartment when it originally aired and thought that the game was so good, more people should have seen it. Frank sent a letter to Commissioner Bud Selig requesting permission to rebroadcast the game, and unexpectedly received a positive response. "All you have to do is ask," said Selig. "No one ever bothers to ask. Go ahead, rebroadcast away."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Iraq Calls Anthrax a Vitamin

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - Iraq's 12,000-page weapons declaration document reportedly refers to the anthrax bacterium as "Vitamin A." The Iraqi Minister of Information Muhammad Saeed al-Sahaf was quick to justify his country's vitamins program. "The embargo against us means we need dietary supplements," he said. "How dare any country claim we cannot produce vitamins?" U.N. weapons inspectors also expressed alarm over numerous references to "Fresh-Squeezed Pox Juice."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

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ISP Goes Down, Local Company's Employee Productivity Goes Up

DECATUR, Ga. (DPI) - Management for Amalgatron, a small manufacturer in Georgia, panicked when the company experienced a two-day loss in service from its Internet service provider. "We didn't know what to do," said company President Gus Swanson. "Without Internet access, our customers couldn't access our website, employees couldn't order parts online and we couldn't track shipped orders." So it came as a great surprise to Swanson to discover that employee productivity soared during the two-day ordeal. "Customers and employees who couldn't access the Web just used their phones," said Swanson. "And instead of playing fantasy football or e-mailing pictures of naked fat ladies, our employees started working on all of the uncompleted projects that had piled up since everybody got online two years ago."

(Reported by Miles Walker)



Gore Opts Not to Run for Re-Election in 2004

Britney's Labia Seek Trial Separation

Report: Yemen Still Importing Lawn Darts

North Korea Confesses Burning Hatred, Urine

Bush Requests Cliff Notes Version of Iraqi Documents

Trent Lott Shopping for Piano With No Sharps or Flats

5-Year-Old Leaves Own Present for Mall Santa

U.S. Troops Simulating War Games, Bush Simulating Presidency

FBI, Santa Exchange Watch Lists

Bush Deploys Hundreds of Meddlesome Kids to Iraq

Mistletoe Linked to STDs

More headlines




SUV Drivers Rediscover Newton's Laws of Motion

Auntie Ella's Gift Guide For Guys

North Pole Buried Under Blizzard of Lawsuits




Ringo Starr Commits Suicide to Boost Album Sales

LONDON (DPI) - After years of trying to sell albums by recording and touring, Ringo Starr committed suicide this morning in a desperate attempt to achieve post-mortem success with the likes of John Lennon, George Harrison, Elvis Presley and Tupac Shakur. In his farewell note, Starr complained, "Even Linda McCartney's bloody album is outselling me own. I'm hoping me new record, Hey, Everybody -- I'm Dead, Too! will buck that trend." When told of the reason for his suicide, fans in line to purchase a copy of George Harrison's Brainwashed CD responded, "Ringo has an album out?"

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Lottery Officials Accept Offer to Take Only $78,000

TAMPA, Fla. (DPI) - With the Florida Lotto jackpot increasing to $78 million this week, lottery officials have accepted Hector Troy's offer to take $78,000 and call it even. "It just makes financial sense," said lottery Director Helen Paris. "We get to keep $77,922,000, and Mr. Troy gets $78,000. It's a win/win situation." New Lotto "thousandaire" Troy explained his offer. "Everybody's trying to win the full $78 million, but hey, I said, I'd take $78,000, and them guys said okay," he said. "Just think how many Lotto tickets I could buy with that." Lotto officials have now received counter-offers from people offering to accept $7800. Future Lotto payouts will be awarded to the lowest bidder.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Breathing Linked to Cancer

NEW YORK (DPI) - Physicians at Henry Mayo Clinic have released the results of a 10-year study showing that breathing causes cancer. Health advocates are urging the public to stop breathing immediately. "Until we see an end to breathing, we will not see and end to cancer," said Dr. John Lundbergh. "This is a major breakthrough, especially after the results of our previous study showing that going to the bathroom causes cancer." President Bush has declared March 1 National Stop Breathing Day.

(Reported by Guillermo Rodriguez)

Bob Dole Still Referring to Bob Dole in 3rd Person
Increasing Metabolic Tolerance to Freshmaking Leads to Mentos Sales Slump
Christmas Present Prepares to Suck
Study: What the Hell Is This Weird Lump on My Balls?
Americans Not Against Failing to Resist Removing Ambiguity From Headlines
Black Market Claritin Selling for $10 Co-Pay
Woman Recognizes Odd Taste in Holiday Eggnog
40 Years Later: That Dude in The Graduate Right About Plastics




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