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12/17/03

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Doubts Surround Tequila-Nog Breakthrough


SEATTLE (DPI) - According to his personal web log, college sophomore Trevor Davis and an unnamed man have stumbled upon a delicious version of tequila nog. "It was 4 a.m. Me and my roommate had just got home from the bar," said Davis. "We were all completely pissed up and looking for a night cap." The ensuing hunt through the apartment produced only a carton of eggnog and a half bottle of gold tequila that Davis said he remembers buying during spring break in Cancun -- although, to this day, he has no recollection of how he came into possession of eggnog. "Anyway, we threw it all in the blender and added our 'secret ingredient,'" he said. "When we tasted it, we were like, "Wow! This is some tasty shizzit!" This is the last thing both men recalled before blacking out.

"When we heard the news, we were understandably excited." said Steve McNally, president of the American Bartenders Association. "Tequila nog is that magic bullet we could use to inspire rampant holiday consumption among our critical demographic of binge-drinking, upwardly mobile, 21- to 29-year-olds. I mean, the crantini is so fucking 1999. The market is desperate for something new." The problem arises from the "secret ingredient." While both Davis and his roommate remember adding it to the blender with much giggling and fanfare, neither can recall what it actually was. The next morning, they tried to deduce its identity based on the various items they found sitting next to the blender. "It could have been nutmeg, artificial almond extract, Red Bull energy drink, Worcester sauce, hand lotion or any combination thereof," said Davis. So far, bartenders around the world have been unable to duplicate the festive yumminess purportedly experienced by the two young inventors.

"Quite frankly, every batch we've made tastes like creamy crap," said Gerard Bullard of Ghost Bar in Las Vegas. "In fact, most of our staff tasters got so sick, they swore never to touch the stuff again. Eggnog, I mean. Not tequila." In the long run, Davis mused, it may be for the best that a palatable tequila nog remains undiscovered. In the days since sampling his invention, he said, both he and his unnamed roommate still experiences dizziness, blurred vision and the occasional bout of anal leakage.


(Reported by Brad Osberg)




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