Holiday-Depressed Charlie Brown Commits Suicide
NEW YORK (DPI) - After years of battling the
holiday blues, an unrequited love affair, tired story
lines and a limelight-stealing pet dog, "Peanuts" comic
strip character Charlie Brown could take it no longer
and ended his own life last night. Investigators announced that Brown left
but a simple farewell note with the words "Good Grief!"
Lifelong friend Linus Van Pelt was shaken, but
unsurprised by Brown's demise. "For the past 37 years, the poor bastard
bought himself a crappy
tree every Christmas. If that's not a cry for help, I
don't know what is. And then there was the bag full of
rocks every Halloween. How much of that can someone
take? I'm just relieved that he didn't shoot the rest
of us before he wasted himself."
Lucy Van Pelt, Brown's psychiatrist, also felt the
loss. "Charlie Brown has been coming to me forever," she said. "I
don't know what I'm going to do -- the guy was my bread
and butter, my best client. Don't get me wrong, I feel
badly about this, too. But let's face it, the dumbass
fell for the old
thousands of times, and not even *once* did he see it
coming. What a blockhead."
Mourners paid their respects this morning to Brown,
whose body was covered with a bedsheet ghost costume
full of holes.
(Reported by Miles Walker)
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