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City Wins Right to Erect Municipal
Government Display on Church Property

MELBA, Okla. (DPI) - Mayor Jefferson Thomas won court approval to erect a municipal government diorama on the property of the First Church of Melba. The display, which features Thomas and City Attorney Abe Bloomberg reading the city budget for fiscal year 2003 to representatives of the police, fire, and sanitation department unions, will be erected on the front lawn of the church and will remain until elections in March. Rev. Luther Calvin opposed the display, arguing that it would create the impression that the church endorsed the city government. "Many parishioners live in neighboring cities or don't believe in city government at all," said Calvin, who blamed the controversy on government fanatics.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

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(Graphic by Kevin Wickart)

Lott "Kinda Growing" on Black People

PASCAGOULA, Miss. (DPI) - Embattled former Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-Miss.), lately the subject of backlash for supposedly racist remarks, was said to be gaining popularity among black voters who are charmed by the senator's laid-back, old-school style. In a recent poll of Mississippi registered voters who identify themselves as African-American, 58 percent of respondents like Lott's "charming, back-country bumpkin style" and "lilting yet comical drawl." "He just kind of grows on you," said Ellis McDonald, President of the Mississippi chapter of the National Aassociation for the Advancement of Colored People. "With his quick wit yet serious, hard-working style, how can you stay mad at the little guy?" An overwhelming 76 percent of poll respondents also declared Lott's hair "to die for."

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik and Slick Sharkey)

"Jingle Bells" Converts Hundreds of Children to Christianity

SAN FRANCISCO (DPI) - In what was supposed to be an All Faiths Winter Season Concert at Geary Elementary School, the inclusion of the song "Jingle Bells" has influenced many children to renounce other religions and beliefs in favor of Christianity. "How can they leave that song in there? It's a Christmas song!" said mother and atheist Peaceful Smith. But her lament came too late for 8-year-old Shingi Goldstein, who said, "Mommy and Daddy need to embrace the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior or they
will jingle all the way to hell."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Satan: "I'm Really Not That Bad"

ALBUQUERQUE, N.M. (DPI) - After years of silence, longtime bad boy Satan is speaking out to downplay his evilness. "I'm really not that bad," he told the world. Satan, also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub and The Fallen Angel, was interviewed at an Albuquerque Starbucks as he enjoyed a Caramel Macchiato. "Hey, I'm just trying to enjoy life too," he said. "I've got a new therapist and I've been working on some anger issues." Satan credits yoga, meditation and abstinence from alcohol for his new attitude. Under prompting, however, he did admit to getting a good chuckle out of watching the creature burst out of the man's chest in the science-fiction hit *Alien*. "That scene just cracks me up," he said.

(Reported by G.S. Rodriguez and Travis Ruetenik)

Another Human Harmed in PETA-Related Accident

ATLANTA (DPI) - Brandon Jordan injured himself Thursday when he flung himself between his 5-year-old child and a giant bunny that he determined to be a costumed member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. "Honey, no, it's an ACTIVIST!" Jordan shouted as he dove, according to witnesses. Jordan said nothing seemed amiss until he saw the man-sized rabbit's eyes. "They were red-rimmed, like those of rabbits used to test cosmetics or tequila," he said. Leaping an astounding distance, Jordan grabbed the PETA-Bunny's flyer -- doctored photos of the Easter Bunny being clubbed while holding puppies in Santa hats -- away from his daughter's grasp. An unfazed PETA released a statement which read, "We regret Mr. Jordan's injury, but the activist was within his rights to scare the hell out of his small children on a public sidewalk."

(Reported by Davejames)

GOP to Replace Lott With Somebody Who Really, Really Loves Black People

School: Teapot Dome, Smoot-Hally Tie as Favorite U.S. History Test Guess Answers

1st-Year Mall Santa Never Considered Strangling Children Before

Winter Storms Slightly Moisten Panicked Californians

New WTC Designs Lacking "bin Laden Getting Sodomized" Theme

Al Gore Drops Out of AFC Playoff Contention

Fear of Smallpox Replaced With Fear of Smallpox Vaccination

Mall Santa Unconditionally Agrees to All Demands

Madden's Analytic Genius Still Too Lofty for Many MNF Viewers

Study: 87% of Gifts Show Trace Amounts of Elf Urine

More headlines

Scientists Declare Chunky Soup New State of Matter

Holiday-Depressed Charlie Brown Commits Suicide

Woman Bitter After Receiving Amish "Friendship Bread" Shit

JACKSON'S BEND, N.H. (DPI) - Amy Ashraf said she has been "pissed off" ever since her best friend gave her a batch of some Amish friendship bread batter-type shit last weekend. "I hate this shit," Ashraf complained. "For the next 10 days in a row, I have to add something or stir this slop or do some other crazy-assed thing to it. Then I'm supposed to unload half of it onto some other
poor slob, like some sort of culinary chain letter.
I'd throw the whole mess away, but then I'd probably have seven years of bad luck or get reincarnated into an Amish farmwife or some crap like that."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Screaming Street Wacko Declared Time Person of the Year

SPRINGFIELD, Missouri (DPI) - Screaming, twitching street philosopher Steven "Dogfart" Hinken was recognized by Time magazine as its 2002 Person of the Year for the babbling wisdom he's been sharing with Springfield pedestrians over the past three years. A recognized expert in the areas of alien abductions, government conspiracy and shopping bag recycling, Hinken accepted the award by making his trademark clucking chicken noises and masturbating into a beer bottle. Hinken plans to use the publicity from the honor to further the cause of housepaint Sinatra bleep Roswell don't touch it it's not dry yet.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik; Graphic by Chris White)

Asshole Takes 14 Inches of Hard Meat

NEW YORK (DPI) - A man some neighbors described as a "real asshole" was arrested today on suspicion of theft from a New York delicatessen. According to police, Brad Kamen, 35, entered the Carnegie Deli on 7th Avenue at 55th Street and ordered a pastrami sandwich. While the clerk's back was turned, Kamen snatched a salami half and ran out the door, only to be apprehended by police a few blocks away. Kamen, characterized by other local residents as "a complete asshole," was a regular customer of the Carnegie and gave police no reason for the theft.

(Reported by Kevin Wickart)



		X-ians Worldwide Preparing for X-mas Celebration
		Rumsfeld's Squint Endures Despite Low Winds, Cloudy Conditions
		Gollum Calls Trent Lott "Tricksy, False"
		Butterfly Rejected by Asian Aphrodisiac Makers as "Not Endangered Enough"
		Strip Club Celebrates 10th Anniversary Titstravaganza
		Old Man on Porch Calls Long-Haired Woman "Hippie"
		Refrigerator Cites "Appliance Profiling" in Unidentified Noise Investigation
		Security Tape Shows That Creep at Mall Really Did See Parking Space First