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December 28, 2004


The hard-working staff of Daily Probe will be
vacationing in Afghanistan during January.

We'll be back on line on Monday, February 7 with a spiffy new format.




Pac Man Found Dead -- Full story



Claus-Mommy Trysts Down 12% in 2004

NEW YORK (DPI) - Santa Claus-related marital infidelities were down significantly this year from last, according to a poll of peeking children. "Far fewer mommies were seen engaging in sub-mistletoe activities with Mr. Claus," said pajama-clad Director of Downstairs Intelligence Caitlin Rhee, 7. Rhee believes the drop may be attributable to increased homeland security measures, which detract valuable time from Kringle's affair schedule, or to changes in lipstick-detection techniques implemented in 2004 at Claus's North Pole residence.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)


La Scala's Renovation Complete, As If You Care

MILAN (DPI) - The world's most historic opera house, Teatro Alla Scala, popularly known as "La Scala," reopened this last week to bravo reviews. Like you give a shit. The grand reopening was graced by a long-forgotten work written by Antonio Salieri, a composer you couldn't care less about, for the original opening of the famed building. The performance of this difficult piece was well-received. La-di-freakin'-da. Experts conclude that it is now safe for all but the most anal-retentive opera buffs and Jeopardy! contestants to forget the very existence of La Scala until further notice.

(Reported by Ishmael Alighieri)





Democrats Considering Large Blow to Nation's Head

ORLANDO (DPI) - Democratic National Committee members, gathered in a strategy planning meeting in Florida, proposed smacking the country on the head to try to knock some sense into the nation. Explained outgoing DNC Chair, Terry McAuliffe, "Record deficits as far as the eye can see, giveaways to corporate cronies and polluters, a quagmire in Iraq, Bin Laden still on the loose... and the country re-elects President Bush? I think the voters need a good whack on the noggin." Critics of the party leadership called for a different approach, suggesting that a quick knee to the groin would be necessary to get the country's attention first.

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)


Bush's Second-Term Cabinet Shakeup Continues

WASHINGTON (DPI) - President George W. Bush's nominee to replace the resigning Tom Ridge as homeland security director, Bernard Kerik, abruptly withdrew his name from consideration when it was discovered that his housekeeper/nanny was an undocumented foreigner. Bush and his second-term transition team promise to scrutinize future nominations more thoroughly. "We'd better start putting up some lead-pipe cinches for Congressional ratification," surmised Bush Chief of Staff Andrew Card, "or it will take Brillo pads and Comet to scrub the egg of our faces." The team is now choosing nominees it hopes will prove to be less problematic, such as Rush Limbaugh as FDA chief and Ken Lay as energy secretary.

(Reported by Carl Knorr)



Pope Drools for Peace at Midnight Mass

Iraq Announces New National Slogan: "Give Me Liberty or Give Me $20 and a Goat"

Chemical Ali Fails Drug Test

Senate Investigating Background of Secretary Nominee for Department of Nannies

Pistons Fans Demand Rumsfeld Supply More Body Armor

Cheetah/Zebra-Print Rift Divides Slut Community

14-Year-Old Soccer Phenom Freddy Adu Gets First Off-Field Score

President Bush Demands More Ponies

Paleontological Study: Pterodactyls Tasted Like Chicken

Sarah Jessica Parker Charged in NYC Shoe Avalanche



Jesus Stripped of "Redeemer" Title

Police Praise "Perfect" Carjacking

Dumb Fuck Comes Through



Denise Richards to Be Temporarily Un-Hot



FBI Investigates Mickey Rourke Dioxin Poisoning




12 Days of Christmas Giving Results in Arrest

BOSTON (DPI) A couple in Boston Massachusetts were arrested earlier this week and charged with a record number of slavery and theft counts. The startling charges include over 40 counts of illegal human trafficking including 12 drummers, 11 pipers, 10 rather jumpy lords, nine dancing women and eight cattle milkers. The couple is also suspected in the robbery of the Independence Aviary, where seven swans, six geese, three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge were stolen. In an unrelated nearby robbery, five golden rings were stolen from Avon Jewelers.

(Reported by Stuart Johnson)


Democrats Demand Armor for Clinton

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Senate Democrats today challenged President George W. Bush to provide armor plating for their newest political vehicle, Sen. Hillary Clinton. Said Democratic Indiana Senator Evan Bayh, "Sen. Clinton is deserving of the full protection humanly possible, and to that end, we call on President Bush to recognize this need and encase her within thick, heavy metal plating as soon as possible." Concerns have been raised that sheathing Senator Clinton might reduce her battlefield maneuverability. "Even sheathed in inch-thick titanium, I am certain that Sen. Clinton would be fully capable of both serving her constituents and making the necessary roll call votes," said Bayh. "But that's all secondary to our main concern: her ability to withstand depleted uranium rounds."

(Reported by Brian Jones)


CORRECTION

The Daily Probe reported recently that actor George Clooney has sex with more gorgeous women in an average month than any human being in history. Mr. Clooney's agent Sid Levine informed us that we are "way off base" and have no concept of the "unfathomable amount of gash" the actor parts in a single week. According to Levine, "George sees more lips in a week than a dentist."

We apologize for the error.


(Reported by Tristan Fabriani)

Ashanti Charged $2500 Roaming Fees for Phoning It In

Below-Average Chicken Wings Served by Above-Average Chick

Canada Proud to Be Only Country in the World Libya Feels Safe Threatening

Toddler Calls Off Search for Lost Sippy Cup

Child Development Center Releases Prototype

New Supercollider Study Detects Signs of Professional Hockey

Get Up To $3000 Cash Back on Blatantly Overpriced New Car

California Seeks to Trademark Phrase "Wildfires Threaten Homes"

Jimmy Swaggart Named Secretary of Regret/Apologist General

Study: Everybody Sucks, Especially You







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