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12/28/04

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Jesus Stripped of "Redeemer" Title



Thousands of churches worldwide reacted in shock earlier this week in response to the announcement that Jesus Christ had been stripped of one of His numerous titles. No more will He be known as Christ the Redeemer, according to a Vatican spokesman, who added that this action was inevitable in light of Jesus' declining use of coupons and rebate forms. Contacted by telephone, the Son of God, said the announcement came as no surprise.

"The Pope and I discussed this at length," He commented. "We decided that this would be best in the long run. To be honest, the religion biz has been quite lucrative for the last couple of decades; I really don't need to clip coupons any more." As further evidence he cited figures indicating that his faithful -- particularly those belonging to churches bearing the "Redeemer" name -- were nine times more likely to pay full price for something than any other denomination. According to a Vatican source, Christ will retain all of his other titles including "Christ the King," "the Prince of Peace," and "Most Excellent Stud Muffin."

"I'd have hated to lose that last one," quipped the Savior.

A Papal legation, including representatives from General Foods and Proctor & Gamble, is preparing to scour corporate records to determine upon whom to bestow the title of Redeemer.




(Reported by Kevin Paul Wickart)





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