Denise Richards to Be Temporarily Un-Hot
A guest Probeatorial by
Once again, hot piece of ass Denise Richards --
who I'd normally totally nail -- is gonna be turning into a fat pig.
Sources are saying that the blonde hottie with the normally killer rack
has been knocked up AGAIN by that douchebag Charlie Sheen.
Her normally boner-inducing bod will be expanding gradually for the next
several months as Sheen-seed gradually mutates into some sort of fetus,
who may or may not grow up to be hot. According to these reports, she
probably won't be in real erection-creating shape until at least June,
but she'll probably have to hit the gym and shit for a few months until
she's all tight again.
This isn't the first time Richards has completely fucked up her hot,
tight body, which normally probably smells like lilacs and tastes like
honey. Back in March, she squeezed out another puppy, and it was, like,
weeks before you could look at her and feel your pants get tighter.
Sources who wished to remain anonymous -- even though he fucking LIVES
here with me and eats all my goddamn Mac 'N' Cheese -- says he can't
understand why someone with such a killer pair of funbags and tight
little pooper would want to ruin herself like that.
This reporter then decided to go all devils admiral and shit, and
posited the theory that maternal instincts would cause that awesome
sweater meat to grow even more, which, in turn, would cause even bigger
boners. Anonymous -- or should I say AnonyMOOSE? -- then pointed out that
she's got two little vampires sucking on them instead of him. And that,
he concluded, meant that they'd get dried out and shit. The result,
according to AnonyMOOSE, is that while they might look good in a bra and
shit, once unleashed they'll probably look like a pair of month-old
water balloons. At that point, this reporter conceded that AnonyMOOSE
had a salient point.
The AnonyMOOSE source then pointed out that having kids gives chicks all
sorts of 'roids and stuff. He then said -- because now he's a doctor or
something even though he don't even have his GED yet -- that all that can
wreak havoc on the pooper. According to Dr. AnonyMOOSE, not only will
the junk gravitate toward the trunk -- not in a good Jennifer Lopez
way, but with all that nasty crap poking out of it, what was once a
gorgeous, un-invaded chocolate starfish will soon look like a Venus
The AnonyMOOSE source then proceeded to fire up some sweet bud, his
point having been made. At that point, this reporter and his AnonyMOOSE
source proceeded to watch Wild Things again, all mellowed out. It was a
bittersweet moment, as we realized that Denise wouldn't be making us pop
one like this until at least September.
In closing, Hollywood has lost another legend.
(Transcribed by Greg Preece)
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