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Advice from Strangers

This week's guest:
The Swedish Chef

Dear Chef,

About 3 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 6 months suggested that we should think about "experimenting" with dating other people. I think he's trying to say he wants to sleep with other people, but if he can't, he still wants me as a booty call. Should I call him on it?

Confused in Columbus

My Deer CIC,

Voo. Vhet a cherk! Let me-a tell yuoo sumetheeng, huney. Bork bork bork! Iff sumeune-a treeed thet veet me-a, I'd doomp heem leeke-a a bed hebeet. Um de hur de hur de hur. Yuoo're-a nubudy's buuty cell. Tell heem tu heet zee rued. Bork bork bork! Yuoo cun du su mooch better thun thet.

The Swedish Chef

Dear Chef,

I'm a public figure who wishes to retain my anonymousity, but I need your advice! About a week ago, I accidentally choked on a pretzel. Now everybody is making fun of me, and it hurts. How can I make this pain go away?

George W... I mean, George B. Bush

Deer Geurge,

Furst ooff ell, choo yuoor fuud, yuoo beeg fuul. Pretzels, elthuoogh yuummy, ere-a deenjeroos. Um gesh dee bork, bork! My guud freeend Mema Cess vuoold tell yuoo tu steey ewey fruum hem sundveeches es vell. Dun't vurry ebuoot peuple-a mekeeng foon ooff yuu. Hurty flurty schnipp schnipp! Iferyune-a veell furget suun. Bork bork bork! Beseedes, it's nut leeke-a yuoo're-a zee preseedent oor unytheeng.

The Swedish Chef

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