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January 21, 2002

Prince's Harry's Drinking, Drug Use Feed Tabloid Reporter's Children

LONDON (DPI) - Charles Babbitt, staff writer and reporter for the Daily Mirror, is now able to feed all seven of his children again thanks to recent news of Prince Charles's 17 year-old-son, Harry, and his recent bout with marijuana and alcohol. "I can now sleep soundly at night knowing that a member of British royalty is back doing what they do best," Babbitt told fellow reporters. "All over Britain, children like mine are able to eat again, thanks to the generous bounty provided by the Royal Family to the insatiable British public." Babbitt's children are also grateful for Harry's recent indiscretions, hoping that their father will one day be able to afford something other than "kippers" and "spotted dick."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

WWF to Sponsor Papal Smackdown Tour

THE VATICAN (DPI) - The World Wrestling Federation (WWF) announced today the launch of its latest effort at globalizing the spectacle of professional wrestling with a no-holds-barred "Papal Smackdown." His Holiness The Pope John Paul II has not yet issued a statement concerning the matter, but sources close to the Pontiff have confirmed that at least one Cardinal has consented to enter the ring under the nom de guerre "St. Francis the Assassin." WWF Chairman Vince McMahon announced a 40-day, 40-city worldwide tour to coincide with Lent, during which the Vatican's combatants have agreed to give up all sleeper holds.

(Reported by Charles Gulledge)

Oprah "Just Fine" Despite Unflattering Tabloid Photo

CHICAGO (DPI) - Oprah Winfrey was reported by the Weekly Star to be "Just fine and dandy," despite a snarky front-page picture showing the daytime TV icon in an awkward semi-blinking scowl. "We were worried that she was caught in some sort of nightmare diet-pill collapse, but it turns out it was just a really bad camera angle," said Star photo editor Alberto Varrel. "It doesn't seem to be the heartbreak of a lesbian love triangle as we reported earlier." The Star also apologized for suggesting that Oprah's unflattering expression was the result of a plastic surgery horror and an out-of-control drunken hotel party fiasco.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

Boeing Reveals Plans for Super Safe Landplane

CHICAGO, IL (DPI) -- Boeing today announced the construction of the new Boeing "Seven Four-by-Four," the first entirely land-based aircraft since the days of the Wright Brothers. "It will be the first plane designed to not fly," said Phoebe Ludd, Boeing spokeswoman. The Boeing 74x4 is billed as a "Landplane," which will travel along the ground using four tires and a single diesel-powered engine. "Our safety studies have shown that the single most important factor in many flight-related fatalities is the fact that the plane is, or was, airborne," explained Ludd. "The Seven Four-by-Four will travel at speeds of up to eighty miles an hour, where it is allowed, and will be equipped with no discernible wing whatsoever, to ensure it can never enter the atmosphere."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Lucas Signals Return to Serious SciFi with Addition of Smurf to Episode II

HOLLYWOOD, CA (DPI) -- Following on the heels of the beloved rastaphibian that was Jar Jar Binks, Star Wars creator and director George Lucas has set his sights on further pleasing hard-core science fiction fans. "Yes, the little blue cartoon character will have a place in Episode II," confirmed Lucas, "and today's technology will even allow us to show Jedi Smurf in 3D!" Little else is known about the new character, but rumors of a duet between the Michael Jackson-voiced Jedi Smurf and Queen Amidala appear to be true. "I won't comment on the speculation of a light-hearted love triangle between Anakin, Amidala, and Jedi Smurf," says Lucas, "but trust me that true science fiction fans are going to love this wonderful musical cartoon."

(Reported by Mark Schmidt)

Airport Security Alert After Warnings Of "Suppository Bomber"

Failed Male Model Spends Day Websurfing for Own Name, Image

Opinion: Dads Beating Each Other To Death Just Part of Youth Hockey

Enron Hubbard Forms Church of Shysterology

Rapper Unable to Find Hallmark "For My Baby's Mama" Card

Giuliani Named Adulterer of the Year

Golden Globes Producer Missing After Winless Night for Sopranos

U.S. Moves To Pretz-Con 4

More headlines

Snack Food Mascots Implicated In Bush Assassination Attempt

A Daily Probe Exclusive: Apple's Rejected iMac Designs

FBI: Shoe Bomb Doofus Is Master of Non-Doofus Disguises

Al-Qaeda DVD Compilation to Contain Hilarious Bloopers

WASHINGTON, DC (DPI) - A chilling new video to be released by Attorney General John Ashcroft, the CIA and the White House Press Corps reportedly will contain hilarious bonus outtakes, bloopers and behind-the-scenes bonus shots. The DVD compiles recent incriminating tapes showing the five wackiest members of the Al Qaeda terrorist network. "This video is a critical must-have for every American citizen to aid in finding these terrorists before they try to attack again," Ashcroft said. "And at the end, there's this part where Khalid Ibn Muhammad Al-Juhani is slowly walking towards the camera, and he's about to say 'America, be afraid of Allah,' when he suddenly trips over the strap on his gun and it goes off and wounds one of Bin Laden's wives and they all start laughing. Hysterical."

(Reported by Danny Gallagher)

Tonight on FOX: When Shaqs Attack!

Teen Chatroom Community Speaks Out Against Fagits, Tards

CHAMPAIGN, IL (DPI) - A recent study of internet teen chatrooms reveals "fagits" and "fukin tards" to be tops among frustrations voiced online by America's youth. The University of Illinois study follows six months of research in popular teen sites such as AOL Teen and various online video gaming communities. "ha ha i just rapped u in th ass!!!!!" proclaimed 14-year-old Justin C, a Half-Life gamer from Olympia, Washington. "u fuckin tarded and i wasted u fagit!!!!!" Further research by Daily Probe staff posing as 17-year-old cheerleaders confirmed this study: "ur gay," countered 13-year-old Mark Chappett of Peoria, Illinois, when asked about his feelings on the matter. "penis," he added before booting this reporter from his "l33t tALkIn l@te nYt" chat room.

(Reported by Travis Ruetenik)

  World News
¤ Red Cross Demands Warmer, Fresher Croissants for Guantanamo Prisoners
¤ Mayor of Kabul Bemoans New Telephone: "Now Everyone Will Want One"
¤ NASA Engineer Has Near-Earth Hemorrhoid
¤ Confused Investors Contribute Thousands to Irish Republican Army
¤ Snazzy New Outfits To Help Marines Stand Out, Make Statement
¤ Bin Laden Location Possibly Narrowed Down to Africa, Europe, Asia

  Domestic News
¤ Enron CEO Indicted for Tapping Clampett's Oil Supply
¤ Arthur Andersen Questioned for Misrepresenting Financial Situation, Penis Size
¤ Listerine Strip Produces Fresh Breath, Grimace
¤ Steve Jobs: "OK! It Looks Like a Lamp! I Get it Already!"
¤ McRib Sandwich Actually Closer to McShit
¤ Virginia Law School's "School Shooting" Mock Trial Interrupted By Irony
¤ Ari Fleischer Tires of "Capitol Dome" Humor
¤ Hot-Butter-Flavor Storm Threatens Corn-Belt States

  Local News
¤ Bar Patron Reveals: Hyphenated Last Name = Instant Shit List
¤ Pervert Starting to Doubt Authenticity of Porno Site Lesbians
¤ Commuters With Nothing To Read Successfully Avoid Eye Contact
¤ Neighbor Shows No Sign of Stopping 11:30 PM Power Saw Use
¤ Cemetery Employees Prefer "Decoffinated" To "Exhumed"
¤ Run! Amway-Crazed Friend Heading This Way!

¤ Golden Globe Goes to Robert Downey, Jr. for Acting Coke-Free
¤ Colin Powell's Name Mocked By "Butt-Head" Imitator During MTV Global Forum
¤ A Beautiful Mind Director's Cut Nothing But Jennifer Connelly Tit Shots
¤ Willie Nelson Releases Billionth Album

¤ Redskins Sign Flies-Like-Hawk as Head Coach
¤ Olympic Preview: Mormons Uptight
¤ Packers Suck

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