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Probe Movie Reviews
by J.J. Krueger

The Lord of the Rings:
The Fellowship of the Ring

What's up, kids? Today's movie review is Lord of the Rings, the new movie starring Elijah Wood and Ian McKellen and directed by Peter Jackson, the director of Dead Alive and Meet the Feebles. Now I don't wanna like go off on English shit again like I did with the Harry Potter review, but have you ever like tried to read that Tolkien shit? I mean fuck man -- that shit's like reading fucking Shakespeare, totally. I did see like the cartoon of The Hobbit on Skinamax once, and that was pretty cool, but I'm totally no good with like remembering names and it was like totally confusing. Peter Jackson, though -- what a cool motherfucker. Dead Alive fucking rules. I was just thinking the other day about that scene where the dude is like taking on like twenty ghouls with like a push lawnmower, right? I was telling this dude Andy at work about it, right, and then Karen, the total bitch I work for at Big Burger, totally goes off on me. She's all like, "This is a restaurant, James. That's like, inappropriate," and I'm all like, "Relax, Karen, I mean, God, customers can't like, hear us," and then it totally went like back and forth. So she gets really super pissed off, like you could see her fucking evil vegan blood like boiling, right, and her face is getting really red too except for like the black spotches under her eyes because she doesn't fucking eat for shit. So before she like explodes, Dean, who's like everybody's boss, right, he like brings Karen back to her office and they like talk like forever, and then she like goes home. So then, Dean brings me in and he's kinda pissed but I'm totally down with Dean, so long story short, I gotta like try to be nicer to Karen, she's gotta like try not to give me like so much shit all the fucking time, and I get my 50 cent raise. I'm fucking telling you -- sometimes, I feel totally like a genius. America fucking rules because you can like tell off your boss and still totally get a raise. I'm thinking I'll like call in sick tomorrow and like celebrate over a doobie totally as big as my forearm.

Lord of the Rings looks like it's got no drugs or nudity but like plenty of violence, so I can highly recommend the flick. Hopefully they'll have it in a few weeks at the Cine5. I give it 9 Js out of a possible 9 Js. So till next time, see you kids at the flix.

Confidential to Jeff R., Sterling CO: No, YOU GET BENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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