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January 21, 2003

Orgasm Faked on Behalf of Expensive Vibrator

RENO, Nev. (DPI) - Kate Leland spent more than $100 of Christmas stocking money at an adult-toy website for a female "self-stimulation device," but so far the expensive gadget has failed to satisfy. "I'm sure it's my fault," said the distraught Leland. "The Me-T 4000 with the Holmes attachment is the best product on the market." She claimed to enjoy her faked orgasms and said, "It doesn't matter anyway because the Me-T makes me feel special, and that's all a woman really needs." According to Leland, the manufacturer of the Me-T 4000 has a strict 'No Returns' policy.

(Reported by Otis Garcia)

Pediatrician to Offer Loaners While Children Being Examined

COOPER CITY, Fla. (DPI) - Pediatrician Beth Silverstein will begin offering parents loaner children when they drop off their own kids for an examination at her office. "Parents are busy people," she said. "They have My Gym appointments to keep, soccer practices to get to, they can't be expected to wait around all day for Johnny's strep culture to come back." The loaners will come from a pool of children left behind at previous visits by parents wishing to upgrade. "Take the loaner to soccer practice," Silverstein suggested. "After six months in the shop, he might even run better."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

Another Middle-Aged Guitar Player Realizes He's Never Going to be a Rock Star

LBEACON, N.Y. (DPI) - When Bob Stone was in his 20s, he fronted a hard-driving rock 'n' roll garage band. His cherry red Fender Stratocaster was strapped across his leather jacket and he wore his jeans tight. "Now, I wear Loose-Fitting Dockers and a sweater while I play acoustic guitar in the church folk group," lamented the pudgy 46-year-old actuary. Stone added that Beacon Methodist Church's 68-year-old organist, Ethel Hodges, "really tears it up" on "How Great Thou Art."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Inspectors Now Searching for Weapons in Saddam Hussein's Ass

BAGHDAD, Iraq (DPI) - After discovering multiple empty warheads in Iraq, U.N. inspectors are now turning to prison-style cavity searches. "After watching an episode of HBO's Oz where prisoners hid contraband anally, the United Nations has decided to bring out the latex gloves and finally put an end this search once and for all," said John Stockman, an alliance scientist and chemical engineer. President Bush has come out in support of the move. "I too have seen Oz," said Bush. "Surely [Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein] has weapons in his ass. We only hope that Mr. Hussein will cooperate with the U.N.'s demands and peacefully touch his toes."

(Reported by G.S. Rodriguez)

"Fireball" Lieberman Not Ashamed of Human Cannonball Past

Townshend Promises: Won't Get Lewd Again

Bush Offers North Korea Aid in Exchange for Bombing Iraq

Shuttle Kosher Meals Issue Resolved

Saddam Claims Warheads Carried Dog Poop, Lighter Fluid

American Optimist Society Praises Decline in Marriages Ending in Death

Infomercial Host Sweetens Deal Yet Again

Hans Blix Nix Trix

More headlines

Young Man Awakens Ancient Bringer of Destruction

Chess Hooligans Overturn Chairs, Spill Soda

Nike to Enter Stoning Market

HILVERSUM, Netherlands (DPI) - In a first-of-its-kind deal, Nike secured the rights in Kuwait to replace the throwing stones used for inflicting punishment with updated "Pelting Balls." The balls, made of synthetic metals, are much lighter and carry far more sharp edges than their natural counterparts. "With the unmatched accuracy of Pelting Balls, people from all over the town square can whip with precision and cut skin as well as with a natural stone," said Nike International spokesman Gus Pintalakulous. Nike plans to donate thousands of the balls free to various Third World countries in an effort to silence critics who claim they use labor in these countries but give nothing back in return.

(Reported by Davejames)

Fox's "Joe Wife-Beater" Big Hit in Trailer Parks

HARPER'S BEND, Ark. (DPI) - Fox TV scored a major coup in the Nielsen ratings with its new hit reality show, Joe Wife Beater, in which 20 white-trash women vie for the affection of a supposedly abusive guy. According to Fox's producers, Joe strings along the contestants with numerous verbal threats and insults while the contestants compete to eventually get smacked around by the star. "Only that never happens," said the show's producers. "At the end, we shock the winner by informing her that Joe is a Quaker and a conscientious objector."

(Reported by Miles Walker)

Ashcroft: "Americans Must Agree It Was a Good Year"

WASHINGTON (DPI) - Attorney General John Ashcroft today called 2002 "a very good year." "Say it, 'very good year,' " he said. "Real Americans believe it was a very good year. Or are you a terrorist sympathizer? I didn't think so." According to Department of Justice figures, monitoring of U.S. e-mail messages confirmed that nine out of 10 Americans agree that 2002 was a very good year. In a related story, the DOJ also announced that 10 percent of Americans are now being held without charges in indefinite military detention. A spokesman for the detainees issued a statement through military information channels calling 2002 "a very good year."

(Reported by Slick Sharkey)

U.N. Fashion Inspectors Find Violation After Violation in Iraq
Engineers at World Toaster Consortium Consider Adding Third Control
North Korea Demands a McDonald's
Job Search Ends After Word "Penis" Removed From Resume
CBS Sues Sauron for Copyright Infringement
Kim Jung Illin'

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